Artistic Veritas

Tropic Thunder & Iron Man, or Why Robert Downey Jr. is my secret boyfriend

2008-10-04T21:30:00.002-10:00

I'm not a comic book reader, so I neither know, nor care, when a comic book becomes a movie and then doesn't stay true to the cannon that has been 20 years of history...blah blah blah. It's a movie now, get over it.

However, we just bought the Iron Man DVD with the extra disc full of special features, and this is one DVD that actually gives you an entire disc of special features. It is amazing.

Of course, we liked the movie enough to buy the DVD regardless. My husband Scott was quite worried that Robert Downey Jr. was "all wrong" for Iron Man, that he could never be Iron Man, blah blah blah, see earlier references to blahs above.

Then we saw it. I think Scott developed a man-crush on Robert Downey Jr. during the movie. Apparently it was more than Scott ever could have wished for.

And the movie was fun. It was a good movie.

I highly recommend picking up the DVD with all the extras because you will see so many cool behind the sceens things about making the suit, flying, and seeing Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau doing their thing and I have to say if you never knew a thing about either of them, or didn't worship them before, you will after you watch it. Either that or you are a complete moron - because these are people who live for their craft - and it is an amazing thing to see people who are so passionate about what they do.

Tropic Thunder... where to begin...
When the previews came out I thought, "this has so much potential and will probably be an epic failure" - so I delayed seeing it. But the opening weekend brought amazing reviews, and the commercials were just too funny... I couldn't resist.

So much has been written about this movie so I won't go into detail and rehash it. I will say this: I laughed all the way back to the car.

Perhaps you didn't quite understand.

We sat through the entire credits, and I was still laughing.

I went to the ladies room, and laughed while I peed. This is both difficult and uncomfortable, I do not recommend it.

I laughed all the way to the car.

All. The. Way. To. The. Car.

We're talking a good 10 minutes for credits, bathroom, and parking lot and I was still laughing.

When I told my mother how funny it was she went to see it. Now she didn't laugh as much as I did, but she did agree that it was "silly" and most importantly, she agreed that Robert Downey Jr. owned that movie.

I cannot think of a time when I have seen him on screen and thought, "he's just phoning it in" or "wow he sucks" or anything remotely negative about his performance. If anything, I find that he is always in danger of stealing the movie out from under everyone else.

If you haven't seen Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, or Chaplin, see it - hell, go back and rewatch them all. If you aren't in love with him by the time you've seen them, then you are brain dead.

Movie Reviews: 21, Departed, Tombstone

2008-04-15T05:02:00.002-10:00

I’ve got three movie reviews for you – one now in theaters and two rentals. It’s unfortunate that I saw these back to back because two are stellar and one is what we in the writing industry refer to as “ho-hum”.

21
If predictability is your favorite movie quality then this is the movie for you. If edge of your seat, nail biting suspense is too intense for you, then this movie is really right up your alley. You will find yourself feeling like Nostradamus himself as each line of dialog leads you to know with absolute certainty how the plot will inevitably progress.

My next problem is with casting. Someone must explain to me the appeal Kate Bosworth is supposed to have. She is so very vanilla, in a way that is almost insulting to vanilla (it is insulting to say Haagen Das French Vanilla, but not to say, generic/store brand, freezer burned vanilla). She is plain, her acting is blah, and concocting a scene in which guys stop playing basketball to all turn and drool and comment on her fantastic beauty is complete bull. I call shenanigans. This is a girl that could walk through life completely unnoticed. How she got into film in the first place is beyond me. And really, she already destroyed Lois Lane, so don’t get me started on the lameness that is Kate Bosworth.

And finally, Mr. Kevin Spacey. Sigh. I count Usual Suspects among my top five favorite movies of all time. This is a movie I can watch over and over. I love it. Kevin Spacey is a man who can command a role, the screen, the movie – he has it within him. This role? He was phoning it in. I dare any of you to say otherwise. I dare him to say otherwise. The best defense I could hear from him is that the role was underdeveloped (yeah, blame the writers, they certainly have a lot to apologize for in this movie anyway). But seriously, he knows how to bring it, and this was just – well, not just predictable, but thin. There are maybe 2 really good scenes with him – one where he is working with the kids to teach them to count and they can’t keep the count, and one at the end where he actually playing. [SPOILER: Spacey gets into disguise to play in the casinos again – and it was like the disguise liberated Spacey to act.]

So, if you want to see this, wait to rent it.

The Departed
I initially shied away from this movie because of the casting and the hype. I am a mystery/thriller buff and I thought this was overpromising and could only under deliver. I was dead wrong.

The acting was fantastic. Mark Wahlberg, an actor I normally cannot stand, was perhaps my favorite performance in the movie. Not just because he was written so absurdly, but because he pulled it off convincingly. I found myself thinking that he was the 2nd most likable character in the movie (the first was Martin Sheen, just as a nice guy foil to Wahlberg). His scenes were enjoyable and well formed – his character was so intense and absurd that more than a few minutes of screen time at a time wouldn’t have worked – and it was written and edited perfectly.

Let me tell you why I didn’t want to see this movie: DiCaprio and Nicholson. First off, I liked DiCaprio in Catch Me if You Can, and I liked him in the Aviator. But there is something about his face, some smugness or something that whenever I see him in a preview I think “oh hell no”. But when I see him act I forget all of that because the man has serious acting chops. He can hold his own in any scene with any actor or actress. I still think Catch Me was the perfect role for him – but if I was in casting I never would have signed him up, I would have said “DiCaprio? That smug asshat? Not in my movie!” and I would have been the dumbass. Same thing here. His role is completely unlikable (there are hardly any likable characters in this movie) but he plays it so convincingly, that from time to time I literally forgot it was DiCaprio, and that is the thing I respect most about his acting – as big a star as he is I can see him as his characters and not as DiCaprio.

Nicholson – not so much. Jack is just Jack. Seriously, when was the last time Jack played someone other than crazy Jack? I cannot remember a movie he has made in my lifetime that he wasn’t just Jack playing Jack. And seriously, it seems like people just say to him “Now in this scene, just you know, act kind of crazy, and be an ass, and we’ll film you – ACTION!” Reading the trivia on IMDB.com (if it is to be believed) our boy Jack got to do a lot of improv in the movie. Basically he was given his character arc and told to be crazy Jack – and to get crazier as the movie progressed. I’m not saying anyone plays crazy Jack better than Jack, but I’ve lost all interest in seeing crazy Jack. Sure, the role was perfect for him, and sure you probably couldn’t have had anyone else play batshit crazy as well, but I would pay good money to see that man play a scene with subtlety.

Matt Damon is one of my favs – he is easy on the eyes, I think he is underrated as an actor as well. His body of work has some really nice diversity, and I regularly forget that he is the punk from Good Will Hunting. His role selection is about the extreme opposite of Nicholson – think Damon’s role in The Good Sheppard – talk about total control and subtlety. And then there’s Bourne. He ping pongs back and forth and all over the place. He may be highly recognizable, but like DiCaprio, I give him major props for always becoming his characters.

I really can’t say a bad thing about this movie. The writing was fantastic. The acting was incredible (yes, Jack annoys me, but he was the right guy for the role) – people were able to maintain those crazy Boston accents the whole way through – and only Matt Damon had a home field advantage there to my knowledge. The editing and cinematography were both spot on. You can’t watch this movie and not be riveted.

Rent it. Watch it. Love it.

Tombstone

This is my throwback review. This puppy popped up on cable the other night and I sat down and watched the whole damn thing. When it was over I said, “I really like this movie” and the hubby said, “I know you do, because whenever it is on you watch it – all the way through.” He’s right. I always do.

Here’s what’s awesome about this movie:
The acting. The acting is really spot on. Again, there are some medium to big names in this flick (certainly they were big when it was made) and they are still deep enough in character that you can forget that they are famous actors. They are believable. Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp, Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday, Dana Delany, Thomas Haden Church, Jason Priestly, and even Charlton Heston are in this one. Really though, the ones to watch are Russell and Kilmer, and damn are they good in this.

Russell has great chemistry with Delany, and he really plays a convincing loyal brother and friend and tough lawman. And the man can wear the period outfits. You believe him when he is calm, enraged, when he is in mourning, when he is happy and in love. He plays it all the way through. And he is likable. He does some horrible stuff in this movie (spurs should not interact with faces, is all I am saying) and yet you root for him the whole way through. I am convinced it is because Russell plays him so well.

But really, to me the movie is stolen by Kilmer. Wow. His Doc Holiday is something to behold. Kilmer really is a fantastic character actor – which is a compliment in my book. His ability to master this character, to breathe complete life into him, made him more the legendary character (to me). Throughout the movie I always find myself thinking how lucky Earp is to have Holiday for his friend. Amazingly, if you listen to Holiday, he will say that he is the one who needs the friendship. But watching Holiday win at cards (clearly cheating by his ability to win so much) and walk away from so many problem scenarios, you see his intelligence and resourcefulness. If not for his illness, you can imagine him living a long, very dangerous life. His insight into the human character, in summing up their nemesis Ringo makes me pause to wonder if he is describing himself. But whatever the scene, whenever Kilmer is there, you feel his presence, and the movie is better for it.

It’s a good movie. Well written, excellent costumes and action sequences. The interactions between the characters is always believable. It’s absolutely worth renting.

So there you have it folks. Two movies full of fantastic performances and dialog. The other, well, if you like predictability and generic vanilla ice cream, then you go see 21.

DVD Review: The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother

2006-12-19T09:40:00.000-10:00

Get Your Nostalgia On

You always hear people talking about “the good old days” – usually referring to something within their childhood, like when movies cost a nickel or sodas were a penny, or when it was safe for kids to talk to strangers.

It’s those same people who usually do the “kids today” sigh. Kids today have no sense of history. Kids today don’t appreciate how good they have it. You know the story.

Last night I took it one step further.

When I was a kid there was something magical about the comedians my parents watched – their peers. I fell in love with all of them for all their different charms. They had something that I don’t see in today’s comic screen talent. Have times changed? Has the audience forsaken the talents of days gone by? Or have we just forgotten what talent really looks like.

It was no masterpiece script I was watching. It was The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother. It wasn't the script that made the movie. It was the acting. It was the comedic timing.

I was laughing at pratfalls and slapstick – things I normally eschew – because of the way they were carried out. I was mesmerized by each performance – because each actor deserved to be on screen, and no one took away from anyone else.

When I was a kid, I was madly in love with Gene Wilder. Not, “He’s so sexy, be my boyfriend” love. I adored him. I wanted to spend time with him. I always felt like I was in on the joke. When I watched him on screen there was always something about his performances that made me feel like he understood my sense of humor. I always wanted to hug him and have him tell me jokes.

I was also madly in love with Madeline Kahn. Her beauty, her wit, her timing, her everything. I wanted to be her. She could be the beauty, the strumpet, or even the over bearing hausfrau that made Barbara Streisand the beauty. She embraced every role – she could sing, dance, act, she was beautiful and funny.

So there I was, watching my childhood loves, laughing hysterically, appreciating them, and Marty Feldman, and Dom DeLuise (oh my god there is not a moment that man is on screen that he does not make me laugh) and it suddenly occurs to me that I cannot remember when I laughed so hard at a movie this ridiculous.

So here’s my challenge to you, dear reader:

Name a comic talent of today and compare them to Gene Wilder in:

The Producers

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Blazing Saddles

Young Frankenstein

Silver Streak

Or to Madeline Kahn in:

Blazing Saddles

Young Frankenstein

History of the World Part I

Clue

And tell me you would rather see your guy against my guy in any performance. To quote Sigerson Holmes Consulting Detective, “LIAR!”

Say what you will about The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother - it’s not Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein, but the performances can’t be matched by today’s comedic talent, and that still makes it a better watch than any drivel in the new releases section.

AV Rating: 4/5 Stars

DVD Review: An Evening with Kevin Smith

2006-11-24T15:57:00.000-10:00

I’ve always been a fan of Kevin Smith’s writing. I know, technically he is thought of as a director, but for me it’s really the dialog that makes his movies – the things his characters say are so smart and outlandish that the true pleasure is really in listening to Smith’s movies.

So I was prepared to watch An Evening with Kevin Smith to hear the wit I have come to know, love, and admire. I have to tell you, I felt incredibly ripped off.

The Kevin Smith of “An Evening” has proven to me that Smith is smarter and funnier than any of his movies, and I take personal offense that the son-of-a-bitch and I have never crossed paths and had a cup of coffee and discussed any fucking thing in the universe.

It’s an amazing thing to watch a celebrity talk to college students, answering their throw-away and serious questions with a ready wit: mocking stupid questions, encouraging the few bright ones and creating a dialog with the questioner, and generally telling hoards of college jocks and stoners the truth.

He doesn’t hold back. When he is asked a question he doesn’t blink or blush or flinch. He tells the story. He talks about having a gay brother, and what it means to him as a filmmaker to include storylines for the gay community, because his brother mentioned early in Smith’s career that mainstream movies don’t offer much to anyone outside the boy-girl love story. He talks about his influences, his choices, his relationships – everything is fair game.

Smith is so frank, in fact, that several times I felt myself squirming over the volume of detailed information provided. Not in the length of the stories. Not in their telling –for surely Smith is a gifted story-teller. The details themselves though…my god the things this man is willing to share about his life and his penis are quite impressive.

I cannot imagine that Smith has a handler of any sort, because Smith just comes out and gives straight answers. There’s no dodging. There’s no sugar-coating. I can’t imagine any A or B-lister ever getting up on stage and telling hoards of college boys to suck his dick, or describing in detail about his first time sleeping with his wife – it would be an Oprah couch moment.

And maybe that’s a huge part of Smith’s charm. He’s a regular guy. Only he’s smarter than most of the people I encounter, and he’s damn funnier. Listening to Smith reminded me of being back in grad school, having late-night coffee chats at an all-night diner with my friends, talking about everything from 17th century literature to various sexual techniques and preferences. There’s something about spending time with an old friend who makes you laugh so hard you think you’ll simultaneously vomit and pee. Good times.

An Evening with Kevin Smith is an evening well spent. Like all Smith offerings, I give it a 5/5 on what you will hear – don’t focus on the production values.

AV Rating: 5/5 Stars

Book Reviews: Echo Park and Born in Death

2006-11-11T17:41:00.000-10:00

My pleasure reading of choice has always been mysteries. While I’ll watch any genre when it comes to movies or tv, I’m all about the mysteries when I spend my time actually reading. I’m generally pretty fussy about my mysteries, they need to be well written, compelling stories and/or characters.

Easily one of my favorite mystery writers, long since passed, is Mr. Rex Stout, author of the Nero Wolfe series. The thing about the Nero Wolfe series that made it the ultimate indulgent read was the dialogue. It still ranks supreme among the mysteries I have read (heck, it ranks up there with the likes of Shakespeare, and this is in the not-so-humble opinion of a former literature teacher). The mysteries may have been thinner than the meatier fare demanded by a society bombarded with true crime 24/7, but the character development and dialog still made them by far the best of the best. No matter how far fetched the ending, Wolfe’s intellect and Archie’s street-wise, determined nature made each ending satisfactory.

Of course I read the collected works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle when I was in 8th grade, and no one can dispute the excellence that is Sherlock Holmes.

But Doyle and Stout, having left this mortal coil, leaving behind stand-in writers who carry on their characters on a lesser scale, can only be read so many times before you need something new to sink your teeth into.

Years ago, in my pursuit of new blood, I found Michael Connelly and J.D. Robb, two very different mystery writers, and authors that I now read voraciously.

These are their latest releases:

Echo Park, by Michael Connelly

Echo Park continues the work of Hieronymus (Harry) Bosch, detective in the Open-Unsolved unit of the LAPD.

Harry Bosch is a good cop and a good character. He’s flawed. Damaged. Viet Nam vet. Drinker. Relationship problems. Rule bender. Stands up for victims.

We like Harry because he has problems with authority figures, solving the case is the most important thing, he’s smart, methodical, and he’s damn good at his job. In every way that he is screwed up as a person, he’s great at figuring out the ins and outs of a crime, putting it together, and making sure justice is done.

Bosch is Connelly’s cop. Connelly has a retired FBI agent too. Flawed in different ways. Connelly writes good, flawed characters that you respect, but know you’d never get involved with.

I like Bosch. Connelly has been consistent in developing Bosch across the series of books, so you trust the character. His behavior is consistent. You trust his judgment. You know the mistakes he will make will be in his personal life, or will be in arguing with his superiors, but will never be with evidence or with solving the case. Is he always the most ethical? That’s debatable.

But while the treatment of Bosch is handled well throughout Echo Park, the rest doesn’t really jive for me. There’s something uneven about the plot – too many layers to the conspiracy – too many misdirections.

Still, the writing is solid and Bosch is done right.

AV Rating: 3.5/5 stars, there are better Bosch novels.

Born in Death, by J.D. Robb

Born in Death is the 25th installment of the “In Death” series by Nora Roberts writing as J.D. Robb.

Maybe it’s due to my recent car accident and subsequent medicated state, or maybe it’s due to the bombardment of “Nora Roberts writing as J.D. Robb” commercials on TV these days but I just want to say this: shut up.

Here’s the thing: Nora Roberts is a romance novelist, J.D. Robb, her pseudonym, is a mystery writer.

I’ve got to make the distinction, because when I hear this stupid commercials reminding me that Nora Roberts is writing as J.D. Robb, I cringe, because I don’t read romance novels. I hate them.

Before I knew that J.D. Robb was a pseudonym, I picked up the first In Death book, read it, liked it, and picked up the next one. I had probably read half the series before I figured out who the heck Nora Roberts was.

Now I know, so now every little romantic or sexual thing that happens in one of the mysteries makes me stop and think, “does this belong here?” – like is this some romance novelist playing mystery writer, or does it really fit the story? Usually I conclude that it does, but let’s be honest, it’s distracting.

As to the latest installment, Born in Death, again, I’m on a regular diet of pain meds at this point, so when I say that the book was slow, that may have just been the drugs.

Then again, when the second crime was introduced, I knew instantly that it was linked, because puh-leaze. Also, I was doing the equivalent of checking my watch by counting pages left every so often.

This was undoubtedly my least favorite of the In Death series. The plot seemed weak, the secondary storyline seemed contrived, and what seemed like a promising beginning wound up seeming very thrown together.

Again – to be fair – pain pills.

AV Rating: 2/5 stars. I would actually skip this one and read any of the others.

Movie Review: Running with Scissors

2006-11-04T17:56:00.000-10:00

Running with Scissors is based on the book of the same title by Augusten Burroughs. It’s his memoir, and my god, what a childhood he had.

From the previews you might believe the mother to be a drama queen and the father to be a bit of a drinker. This is simply too much of an understatement.

This movie is simultaneously hysterically laugh-out-loud funny, painfully disheartening, and disturbing.

The cast has done a superb job of making each character real, believable, flawed, lovable, and despicable:

Annette Bening: here’s an actress who is willing to take on ugly roles and put her all into them. Her performance is stellar. She embraces her role as the self-absorbed, mentally unstable, overly dramatic mother. Like her American Beauty role, she’s the mom you love to hate. Only here it’s less about glamour and more about self-absorbed poetry.
Brian Cox: Cox could get away with just using his amazing voice to be a convincing therapist, but his delivery is so spot on that you’ll have moments of wanting him to be your therapist. You really don’t, but you might be tempted to at least engage him in conversation so he will take you on a tour of his masturbatorium.
Joseph Cross: Our protagonist, while looking a bit older than the 13-15 years he is supposed to portray throughout the movie, is otherwise stellar. His ability to hold his own in scenes with Bening and Cox will make you forgive the obvious age discrepancy.

The rest of the cast includes such notables as Joseph Fiennes, Evan Rachel Wood, Alec Baldwin, Jill Clayburgh, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Gabrielle Union. All did an outstanding job.

Since this is an autobiography, it’s character heavy, not plot heavy, so the one thing that was hard for me was the pacing and the limited plot (I always want something to happen). Still, it’s worth the price of admission and the 2 hours of your life.

Forget your childhood trauma. Your mother never gave you away to her therapist, did she?

AV Rating: 4/5 stars

TV Reviews: "Lost" Wannabes

2006-10-27T20:01:00.000-10:00

When I start reading a new comic book, I will give it four issues before I decide to keep reading or drop it. Some books start strong, some start slowly and four issues is generally about the right amount of time to judge where a title is going.

The new shows of the fall season have passed their fourth episodes, which I found leading me to my Tivo Season Passes to decide what stays, what goes, and what is on thin ice.

Jericho
Genre: Suspense Drama
Channel: CBS
Premise:Residents of a small town in Western Kansas see a nuclear explosion that destroys Denver and find themselves cut off from the rest of the world, unsure of what's happened.

Take "Lost" and replace the island with a midwestern town and the Others with government agents posing as "regular folks" and you have "Jericho." Early episodes have tended to revolve around the people of Jericho trying to accomplish every day tasks without the help of the technology they normally have. Episode 3 was almost entirely about finding gas for the generators at the hospital to keep both a baby on a ventilator and a mysterious man with radiation sickness alive.

Often I find myself having trouble keeping storylines and backstories straight. I'm not sure if this is because the show is too boring to hold my attention or if it's being written to give a feeling of jumping into the middle of everything. For example, Skeet Ulrich has a conversation with his mom about how he hurt her and his dad, but if this had been mentioned or indicated, I guess I was more interested in trimming my toenails at the time and missed it. Likewise for the story about the guy who wants to leave his wife, the IRS woman who's come to foreclose on a guy's farm, and just about any other story arc that doesn't directly relate to the cause of the nuclear explosions and the top secret plan involving Lennie James and a bunch of other moles pretending to be our neighbors.

Verdict: Thin ice. I like the concept enough to give it 3-4 more episodes, but if the execution doesn't pick up, it'll be purged with pleasure.

The Nin9
Genre: Drama
Channel: ABC
Premise:Following the lives of nine people taken hostage for 52 hours when a bank robbery goes bad.

This is another show that's being sold like "Lost"--and there are similarities--but this is not "Lost." The mystery is what happened during the 52 hours and every episode gives us a small glimpse. The most recent showed us the bank manager's daughter, who was in the bathroom when the robbery started, trying to find a place in the bank to get cell phone service to dial 911. That's five minutes of the 52 hours, so at this rate, "The Nin9" could last 1040 episodes and that's assuming we don't get any "here's a sequence we've seen before but from a different character's perspective"... which, now that I think about it, is pretty much what the daughter in the bathroom scene was.

The rest of the show deals with the post-robbery lives of the nine hostages. One was a cubicle-dwelling pencil pusher contemplating suicide who now is a hero and wants to embrace all life has to offer. Another is a cop who's having to cover up mistakes made by the police and the FBI during the stand off to protect himself and his friends. The bank manager's daughter doesn't remember anything between the time she dialed 911 and when they were let out of the bank and is struggling to remember.

While it's interesting, we need to start getting some results.

Verdict: Keeper. I don't know where this show is going, but I like the cast enough to stick with it. Like "Jericho," I hope they get more into explaining what happened during the stand off as I'm already tired of hearing people mutter on and on about "everything that happened in there" without knowing what happened in there.

Heroes
Genre: Drama
Channel: NBC
Premise:Some people have superpowers and the New York is going to be blown up in a nuclear explosion in a few weeks.

If you read comics, all you need to know is Jeph Loeb is one of the writers for this show. If you don't read comics, all you need to know is Jeph Loeb isn't a very good writer.

Oh, and it has Milo Ventimiglia, who will forever be "complete asshole Jess" from "Gilmore Girls." That guy could star in "Jake Gets Free Blow Jobs from Hot College Girls if He Watches this Show" and I'd still change the channel halfway through.

Verdict: Purge.

Where all these shows fail is that they all overlook two enduring aspects of "Lost" that have made it the hit it is. First, while "Lost" is full of mysteries, we get answers to questions. Questions on "Lost" prove to be like the hydra--for every one question we answer, two more take its place--but questions are constantly being answered. These shows all seem to have one or two mysteries that are out there and hinted at, but never explained. Two of them are "What happened?", the other is "What's going to happen?", and every episode amounts to the characters shaking their heads and not learning nor revealing anything.

Secondly, "Lost" gives us in depth glimpses at the characters. "Jericho" and "Heroes" have given us some one-dimensional backstories for some characters, like the guy who wants to leave his wife or the Japanese guy who's... from Japan and acts all Japanese-y, and imply there are interesting histories and mysteries for others--like Skeet Ulrich's secret "other life" that hurt his parents so much or the single mom, internet stripper who blacks out and kills people while unconscious--but never seem to pay them off.

It's also worth mentioning Lost goes out of its way to make characters who are obviously different from one another. You'll never confuse Jack with Sayid nor Kate with Sun nor Locke with Sawyer. Outside of "the black guy," "the black guy's faux daughter," "the guy from Scream," "Major Dad," "nerdy kid," "shopkeeper Southern lady," and "oh... where do I know her from... she like the poor man's Dianne Wiest... crap, I'm going to have to look her up on IMDB... hey, he was on couple episodes of 'Simpsons'... Kindergarten Cop! That's where I know her from!"-lady, I don't know what's supposed to differentiate one "Jericho" character from any other. For that matter, when all those recognizable characters stand out only because of their race, stereotype, or previous acting gigs, that's not saying much about the diversity of the characterizations.

It could be argued these shows are still early in their runs and characters may be developed down the road, but for the purposes of comparison to "Lost," there simply is no comparison.

Movie Review: The Illusionist

2006-10-24T18:50:00.000-10:00

So, I finally got to go out and see a movie I wanted to see, for the third time this year. Lucky for me, it was only two months old, so there weren't many people in the theater.

Of course, that could also be due to the movie's premise, which goes something like "Edward Norton is a 19th century stage magician in Austria who loves a duchess".

Actually, I'm conflicted about this film. It's good --- I think --- but it doesn't quite satisfy. And I think that's OK.

See, it's not about a magician doing cool or spooky tricks (though he does). It's a love story, and a story about 19th century Austrian politics, which I wasn't exactly expecting, and for which I am not the target demographic.

The idea is that working-class Ed Norton falls in love with a duchess, society forces them to part ways as children, he becomes a magician, returns to Austria, ticks off the Crown Prince, tries to win the girl back, and gets continually harassed by a conflicted and confused Paul Giamatti, who plays a police inspector.

There's a little murder, a little conspiracy, and a whole lot of Ed Norton trying to act mysterious and cool and tormented but utterly failing to pull it off.

So on that level, it doesn't work. But the performances by Giamatti and Rufus Sewell as the inspector and the Crown Prince are absolutely worth the price of admission.

And yeah, there's a big trick at the end that you pretty much see coming, until the movie goes out of its way to convince you that it's not coming, so you still end up a little surprised.

And it's got a semi-happy ending! Which I ended up enjoying more than I thought I would.

It's not a thrill ride, it's a movie that takes its own sweet time getting to where it's going, and it ends up being more about redemption than anything else.

And for a movie I thought was going to be about just spooky magicians, that in itself is a nice trick to pull off.

Recommended For: Fans of period pieces, Paul Giamatti, or magic. People who haven't seen The Prestige yet.

Not Recommended For: People who demand action, people can't sustain their disbelief of Ed Norton's goatee for two hours straight.

A/V Rating: 3/5. Less clever than it wants to be, better than it has any right to be. A solid rental or matinee.

This Week in Equalizer

2006-10-21T18:36:00.000-10:00

Just in case you "have a job" and can't stay home to watch syndicated TV shows from the 80's, here's what you missed.

Victims helped:

Divorced mom whose son is dealing drugs.
Foreign woman who accidentally ran over a mugger and is being hunted by his two friends.
Housewife who nearly gets raped and is saved only when the would be rapist chases and murders a witness to the attempted rape.
Inner city clinic doctor tormented by street gang.
The tennants of a slumlord who is planning to kill his ex-wife.

Guest Stars who weren't really "stars" at the time: Christine Baranski, Adam "King Ad Roc" Horovitz, Alex Winter, Charles S. Dutton, Mark Linn-Baker, Meat Loaf, Roma Maffia, and Fred "The Hammer" Williamson.

Cases of legal system impotence:

Vice cops scoff at very idea of trying to go after drug dealer because he knows karate.
Two murderers freed because eyewitness might be too scared to testify, go on to admit they did it because the old man "called them."
Cop resorts to becoming vigilante after seeing too many criminals let go by prosecutors.
Two muggers let go after bungled mugging attempt leads to the following exchange:
Cop: I know what you would have done... a little mugging. A little rape...
Mugger: Aw, what's the big deal?
Police refuse to investigate murder when witness can't provide apartment number where it happened.
Street gang drives around streets of New York in Road Warrior-ed out Oldsmobile with members sitting on hood and roof, jumping out to beat up shopkeepers, steal stuff, demand protection money, beat up a man trying to take his sick baby to a health clinic, fire a pistol into a crowd of people. Police have no idea where to begin building a case.
A landlord trying to force people out of their rent-controlled apartments can't be touched by police because he "always makes sure he doesn't do anything illegal'... except the building has no sprinklers, smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, or fire escapes. Oh, and he hires an arsonist to burn it down.

Other notable moments:

McCall gained access to a miraculous high tech device that could tell him the name and phone number of anyone who called his phone within a matter of minutes.

TV Reviews: Survivor & Amazing Race

2006-10-21T09:30:00.000-10:00

Survivor: Cook Islands
Genre: Competitive Reality
Channel: CBS
Premise: A bunch of people are stranded on an island to fend for themselves, fight with each other, compete in tests of mind, strength, and endurance, and play politics well enough to ultimately be voted winner of a million dollars prize.

The thing that set apart this season's episode of "Survivor" was the highly controversial decision to split the tribes according to race. However, just as last season's division of four tribes instead of the standard two led to an early reshuffle and merge, after three episodes we were back to the standard two tribe set up with everyone mixed together.

Overall, that last sentence really shines a spotlight on what's wrong with "Survivor." Everything has happened before. When Chris went from almost being voted out the first week for his inability to walk across a balance beam to the million dollars two years ago, you could almost feel the show deflate. The only new tricks only serve to disappoint, such as the editors clearly setting up a Terry/Cirie showdown for two months and giving us Aras and... the girl everyone kept in the game because they knew if they took her to the final two they would win or bringing back Stephanie and Bobby Jon so they could be revered by their fellow competitors.

A few people I've talked to have sited the "carry a bunch of weight while trudging around in a circle trying to catch the other team" competition as their breaking point. Last season, it was a fresh idea, but repeating it so quickly just illustrates how few ideas the producers have left.

The Amazing Race 10
Genre: Competitive Reality
Channel: CBS
Premise: Teams follow travel around the world, completing tasks and gathering clues that lead them to a million dollar finish line.

Unlike "Survivor," Amazing Race's competitions remain fresh because they are centered around the cultures of the places being visited. For some reason, though, this season has found itself mired in Asia. After five episodes we've been to China, Mongolia, Vietnam, and India, spending two entire shows in Vietnam.

We're also waiting for the breakout stars. No one has stepped up and screamed, "We're likeable!" yet. It's clear that Peter, the doctor who is dating his amputee patient and contantly berates the one-legged woman for not running fast enough, is the villain, but there's not really anyone to root for. Brothers Erwin and Godwin may eventually fit the bill, but haven't done anything to grasp that brass ring.

Side notes on other racers: I can't believe the redneck coal miner and his wife are still in this. I had them marked for elimination by the second episode.

I sure hope Tyler and James will compare the challenge of this race to the challenge of kicking heroin in this upcoming episode! It helps us understand their friendship since they helped each other get clean and now help each other try to win a million dollars.

Personalitywise Lyn and Karilyn could also be the heroes of this season, but I don't see the two chubby, single moms lasting to the end.

There but for the Grace of God go I

2006-10-17T14:01:00.000-10:00

My daughter handed me a Passport (identity card) of someone who lived through the Holocaust, when we entered the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum.

Her name was Alexandra but she could have been me or you, or anyone. That is the spine-tingling, generation bonding, kinship of kind that brings the Holocaust to your soul. It seeps into your skin. Could I have been the mother in Sophie's Choice, or the child with the big eyes looking into your very heart with despair and hunger and disbelief. Was that tattered garment one I wore in another life? That man who would shoot me, or rape my mother or torture my brother; could he be that cruel to his family? Or were they robots blind, jaded and closed?

I started reading about the Holocaust when I was 11 or 12. Anne Frank spoke to me through her diary. I had to know why she died, and who betrayed her. I had to know how close she came to the end of the horror of almost making it back to the real world. Then I read other stories. Other people who hid in the forest like animals, and some who were part of the resistance.

I read about the Danes and how the King put on a Jewish Star and wore it when the Nazi's said the Jews had to wear them. I read about the Catholic families in France who hid the children. The trains and abbey's. The good people who were humane first and foremost. I saw movies and read about the Warsaw Ghetto uprising, and the parachuters - Hannah and the others.

But there was always the precise disciplined annhilation of a people. They were Jewish and I was Jewish. They were Polish and lithuanian and Russian and I was all of that. THey were human and I was Human. If my grandparents hadn't have left the old country when they did; if like in a child's dream they dropped my hand and I was left behind. How can anyone
man or woman; intellectually or emotionally not think this could have been them.

I wanted to be that brave to stand up to the Germans. I wanted to be that Spiritual and unselfish that I could have saved the downtrodden. But just as I say there but for the grace of god go I - would that be true of me and the SS and the Nazi's

there is always the philosophical - which team do you play for? This happened without any Rhyme nor Reason. Presented with the facts of the Holocaust Museum it is up to us to remember - and Hope if ever we are asked to make choices we can do them with Dignity and Grace and Honor for the Good of Humankind not its Evil.

Read SaraJ's Review: United States Holocaust Memorial Museum

TV Review: The Equalizer

2006-10-17T07:19:00.000-10:00

Genre: Action Drama
Channel: Spike
Season: 4 (Syndication)

The Premise:Robert McCall is a former agent of an unnamed government agency who decides to use his expertise and resources to help the common man get justice when he's get a problem and odds are against him.

A few weeks ago at Ye Olde, I referenced a comic book ad that epitomized the mid-80's in every way. While almost anyone will agree Knight Rider and The A-Team do that for television action shows, The Equalizer deserves to be put on equal footing with those iconic visions.

While I remember The Equalizer being on when I was a kid, I never watched it until Monday, when Spike aired the pilot episode. By the first commercial break, I was hooked, though I have to admit I probably never would have enjoyed it as much twenty years ago as I do today.

While the premise is a good one--a middle-aged, retired wetworks agent who'd used to working above the law uses that experience for good--the execution is done in a time when karate was considered an exotic, mysterious thing that middle America feared instead of being a class your kids could take at the Y. In other words, the action sequences aren't the most convincing thing you've ever seen. In truth, just as we enjoy watching B.A. Baracas shoot at bad guys feet to make them run away instead of killing them, there is equal joy to be found in seeing a clumsy middle aged man in a bullet proof vest fighting Asian men in a way that's been carefully choreographed to make sure their fists and feet get nowhere near his face.

By far, my favorite part of the show is the unfettered impotence of the police. Within four minutes of the crisis d'jour, the cops will throw up their hands in dismay and tell the victims they are probably better off just forgetting about justice. In one of the first season episodes, a sixteen year old Iowa girl visiting New York gets kidnapped and chained to a bed in a whorehouse (that's run by Adam Ant!) that caters to diplomatically immune foreign government type who want to do things like have sex with sixteen year old Midwestern girls who are chained to a bed. The police tell her parents A) if the girl hasn't been missing for 24 hours, they cant do anything, B) since the girl walked out of the hotel room of her own free will, they can't consider it a kidnapping, and C) that sixteen year old girls run away every day and they can't be bothered trying to find someone who doesn't want to be found.

The following episode is about three crooked cops who killed their former partner and the "Lady Cop" (the title of the episode) who doesn't approve of their nefarious ways. Her father, an honest policeman who she grew up admiring so much she decided to follow in his footsteps, advises her to just take her cut of the blood money they collect and keep her head down and mouth shut.

Further driving home the awesomeness of the series is the number of recognizable stars--like Luis Guzman, David Alan Grier, and West Wing and Studio 60 star Bradley Whitford--who show up, often as extras, twenty years younger than you're accustomed to seeing them.

If you were a fan of The Equalizer in the past or if you've never watched it, I highly recommend trying it again for what will certainly be a different experience than you might have expected.

Still Not Dead

2006-10-16T17:29:00.000-10:00

We're working our way back from lots of life events. While you're looking for something to read, check out:

SaraJ's Holocaust Museum experience at Curmudgeon Central
Chris' Ultimates2 review at 2Guys Buying Comics
Jake's Random Panels Meme at Ye Olde Comic Booke Blog
Cracked's NFL Week 6 Rundown

Or drop us a comment and let us know something you're dying to see a review of.

We're Not Dead - We're Just on Holiday

2006-10-11T06:43:00.000-10:00

Due to Chris' most excellent birthday, we're slacking.

We'll be back. Stay tuned.

TV Review: Friday Night Lights

2006-10-04T15:42:00.000-10:00

Genre: Drama
Channel: NBC
Season: 1

The Premise: A small town in Texas revolves around its high school football team, which is ranked #1 in the state and lead by the #1 recruited quarterback in the country, so anything less than a state championship is considered failure.

I have to admit I am probably a bit prejudiced against Friday Night Lights. As a sportscaster in small town Florida, I've had enough of people giving a rat's ass about high school football to last me ten lifetimes and in the case of this show, and many of the small towns I covered, people do much more than give a merely rat's ass.

The production of the show is excellent and the cinematography and editing of the football games are beyond reproach. The story, however, is pretty straight forward and involves fairly cliched characters, none of whom I really found myself liking, much less caring about.

The entire show can be epitomized by one story arc. As soon as the star quarterback who all the kids in town admire and expect to be better than Peyton Manning was introduced, along with his back up who is teased by teammates for his lack of playing time, the producers might as well have just put a timer in the corner of the screen counting down "32:00 Until Star QB Gets Crippled."

Sure enough, the kid breaks his spine, the back up comes in to win the game, and life goes on.

Rating: 2/5 yawns

TV Review: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (Original)

2006-09-24T02:22:00.000-10:00

Genre: Drama
Channel: CBS
Season: 7

The Premise: Crime Scene Investigation. Heck, if you don’t know what CSI is by now, you’ve been living in a cave, under a rock, encased in 12 yards of bubble wrap.

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS

This season opener pissed me off to no end. Over the years I’ve put up with William Petersen shaving his beard, with George Eads messing with his hair and making himself less pretty, and with the characters generally doing dumb things in their personal lives, but this one takes the cake.

There must be some unwritten rule in Hollywood that if a show is on over 6 years a principle character must be raped. WTF? Seriously, I know the rape statistics, but is the only way to avoid them in any outlet in the world to stop watching a show after season 6? Is that the rule?

And if that isn’t bad enough, the woman is a CSI, and she violates all the rules of collecting evidence, so nothing she gathers is admissible in court, which means that she, an officer of the law, thinks that the law is of no use to her in resolving this. She’s going vigilante.

So, we’re supposed to believe that this ex-exotic dancer, street-wise, and now law-enforcement savvy tough intelligent woman falls prey to a date-rape drugged drink. That it takes only 2 sips, and then the next thing you know she wakes up naked in a hotel room.

Even if I buy all of that, I am supposed to buy that her humiliation trumps her common sense and her desire for justice? I am supposed to buy that all her years as a CSI, counseling rape victims on the importance of gathering evidence and facing their accusers, is now going to perform her own rape kit with a tampon?

And if the character hypocrisy isn’t bad enough, I’m sickened at the thought of how many women watched that, and if god forbid they are raped, they will walk into a police department with a tampon, nail scrapings, and the stuff the combed out of their pubes and say, “I was raped and here is the proof”. No, you’ve just erased the proof. This is not admisibile in court.

How the hell did this episode get written and shot? I mean, did they send all the real-world CSI consultants and all the female writers out of town for a week and then not let them see this till it aired? Because seriously, if I was a writer on this show, and someone told me we were going to totally violate the CSI cannon – the CSI evidence gathering rules (not to mention an actual CSI tech) there’s no way I’d play along.

Not only is this the worst CSI episode ever – it may be the one that turns me off for good.

AV Rating: 0/5 Stars. Shame on you, CBS.

TV Reivew: Smith

2006-09-21T04:47:00.000-10:00

Genre: Drama

Channel: CBS

Season: 1

The Premise: Normal, traveling cup salesman, family guy is actually a master criminal.

Why this should be good: Other than a few liberties, this is based on a true story. There really was a guy, living in suburbia, who seemed to have it all. His neighbors loved him. Women envied his wife for having such a great husband, men envied him for being the perfect husband, dad, scout leader, etc.

Also: Virginia Madsen. I think I have had a girl-crush on her since I saw her in The Creator in 1985 opposite Peter O'Toole, Mariel Hemingway, and Vincent Spano. Is it the hair? The voice? I don't know, but I've always thought she's had the 'it' factor. So why is she regulated to a minor boring existence in the pilot? The real wife actually knew what her husband was doing, does Virginia Madsen know what Ray Liotta is really doing on his business trips, or does she think he is having an affair?

What's not working: It's slow. I've never been more disappointed that they skimped on commercials. Seriously. I needed more breaks. Also, Ray Liotta will never be a guy other guys want to be and women wish they married. When was the last time anyone every looked at Liotta and said, he's such a nice guy? Hell, his nicest role was Field of Dreams, and he basically said next to nothing and he still seemed like he'd kick your ass half the time.

And, this amazing crew still had a lot of things go wrong. Is that the suspense? That these guys are going to screw up periodically, so it's not a question of will they screw up, but when will they screw up, and how serious will the screw up be?

I swore I'd give it a second episode. So, here's the deal, I'm rating this now, and after I see the second episode, I'll come back and tell you if my opinion has changed.

AV Rating: 1.5/5 Stars. Skip it.

TV Review: Vanished

2006-09-20T05:05:00.000-10:00

Genre: Drama
Channel: FOX
Season: 1

The Premise: The wife of a Georgia senator is kidnapped. Wackiness ensues.

I've watched 4 episodes of this new show now, and believe me when I tell you: if you haven't caught "Vanished" fever, then brother... you're probably someone with good taste.

From FOX:

"Sara Collins, the beautiful young wife of prominent Georgia Senator Jeffrey Collins, has inexplicably vanished.

As the search for Sara unravels one of the nation’s most prominent families, it also exposes evidence that could rock the foundations of American society. In VANISHED, nothing is as it seems. Everyone is a suspect. Everyone has a secret. And no one is safe."

OK, at what point did this conversation occur?

FOX EXEC #1: You know, there's another kidnapping show coming out this year too.

FOX EXEC #2: Blast! We've got to do something to separate ourselves in the mind of the viewer!

FOX EXEC #1: I know! Instead of just being about the kidnapping, we'll also rock the foundations of American society!

FOX EXEC #2: Brilliant! Plus, we'll have a completely charmless lead... it's great counterprogramming to that Timothy Hutton and Jeremy Sisto!

FOX EXEC #1: It'll be the breakout show of the season! That'll teach Fox not to fire us from 24!

ALL: BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!

No seriously. That's what had to have happened here.

The good:

1) Ming-Na? Hawwwwwwwt. I have a serious crush on that girl. Too bad she's reduced to playing Captain Exposition.

2) The show is set in Atlanta. Having been born and raised there, it's nice to see a drama not set in New York, Chicago, L.A. or a deserted island.

The bad:

Virtually everything else. The show screams low budget 24 knockoff, from the repeated use of extras in different roles, re-use of sets, to the bargain-bin actors populating the series. The Georgia senator, in fact, is played by the same dude who was the bad guy in last season's 24 for the first six episodes.

Additionally, the show is buried in cliches. The FBI kidnapping specialist who's recovering from a case gone horribly wrong? Check. Annoying TV reporter who walks a fine line between covering the news and obstructing justice? Check. Powerful white guys in suits with an agenda? Check. And because it will "rock the foundations of American society", it's a sure bet that either the Freemasons or the Knights Templar will be involved at some point.

Look, 24 has its silly comic-book-y moments and plots you don't want to think too hard about, but it moves quickly enough and the actors sell it well enough that it ends up being a fun ride. Vanished seems like a bunch of outtakes from that show strung together without any semblance of direction.

Additionally, with the exception of Ming-Na, who as I've mentioned I have a personal bias towards, the entire cast displays the charisma and acting chops of a tractor.

I'll be switching over to Kidnapped tonight, and hopefully that'll go better.

A/V Rating: 1/5. Move along, nothing to see here.

TV Review: Studio 60

2006-09-19T05:44:00.000-10:00

Genre: Drama
Channel: NBC
Season: 1

The Premise: Two star writers come to save a SNL-type show -- as seen from the backstage.

From NBC:

In the new drama series, Sorkin lays bare the backstage politics, romances and delicate balance between creative talent, on-air personalities and network executives in an instant text-messaging world. Prominent are Jordan McDeere (Amanda Peet, "Syriana"), a savvy new network entertainment chief who inherits a massive public relations disaster on the series -- even before she starts her first day -- and Matt Albie (Matthew Perry, "Friends") and Danny Tripp (Bradley Whitford, "The West Wing"), a brilliant creative team that she wants to resurrect the program.

The good:

The cast - Bradley Whitford, Matthew Perry, Amanda Peet, Steven Weber, Timothy Busfield, D.L. Hughley, Sarah Paulson, Hathan Corddry
The writing - Aaron Sorkin is back, baby

The bad:
The music is too much in the foreground - seriously - that's it.

I suspect that this show will follow the West Wing phenomenon - as long as Sorkin is involved, it'll be fantastic, and I'll keep watching. Once he leaves, it'll be a shell of it's former self.

So, keep Sorkin, and you'll keep me.

AV Rating: 5/5 Stars

Underrated Badass of Cinema: LL Cool J

2006-09-15T17:51:00.000-10:00

Here’s why LL Cool J is the undisputed biggest badass of scary movies:

LL Cool J is the only black man that EVER survives a scary movie. EVER. And he survives EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Titanium eating, genetically enhanced, super pissed off sharks can’t stop him.

Serial killers pretending to be FBI profilers can’t stop him.

It can’t be done. No man, no beast, no creature great or small will ever kill LL Cool J in a scary movie.

And only LL can deliver such pearls as these and have us still coming back for more:

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest mother fucker in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?

Know this: a bunch of fools are going in, and only LL Cool J and some whiny white chick are coming out.

Underrated Badass of Cinema: LL Cool J -- can I get an AMEN?

Leaving a Bad Flavor

2006-09-15T12:58:00.000-10:00

A few weeks ago, I professed my love for VH1's "Flavor of Love." It's junk food TV, meaning that it has no redeeming value and is more than likely bad for me, yet I find myself enjoying it on a regular basis.

At least that was the case. I think I've finally found the strength to turn this shit off.

No longer do I debate whether this is the greatest or the worst show in history. It's pretty clear the latter is the case. Allow me to share the highlights of the season thus far (with screencaps provided by Dlisted):

I already discussed the first episode, where Flav brought a whole new group of strippers and wannabe video dancers into a mansion we're supposed to believe is his, in my inital post. Granted, this batch of girls wasn't as classy as the last, but that's because Flav picked them out himself to weed out the gold diggers.Kla-SSEEEEE!

So I covered all that, but now that I have pictures, I'll share so you can see the crazy ghetto bitch who is "not from Compton," but rather lives on Crenshaw, who beat the living piss out of another girl because there weren't enough beds to go around. She then prayed to God for the strength not to "beat dis bitch ass."The moment everyone talked about, though, was when Somethin took a crap on the carpet because--she claims--producers wouldn't let her go to the bathroom before the elimination ceremony and she couldn't hold it.In the weeks that followed, the girls had to clean up Warren G.'s house after a "big party." The party undoubtedly involved a bunch of VH1 production assistants dumping garbage all over a mansion, making a huge mess, and doubting that the average "Flavor of Love" viewer will have the intelligence to ask, "Who the hell throws an entire serving bowl of spaghetti and meat sauce against a bathroom mirror?"Incidentally, this challenge was won by Nibblz based on her willingness to clean a toilet overflowing with diarrhea.

There was also a dance off in which some of the girls were taught to "krump." For the record, one of the people in this picture used to be a spokesperson for former California governor Gray Davis. Care to hazard a guess?I'll give you a clue, he's not wearing a tank top and he's not wearing a clock around his neck. And Gray Davis wonders why the electorate recalled him.

Instead of judging them based on their ability to learn new things, their coordination, or their teamwork, Flavor just gives the prize to the team with the girl who dry humps him.Sadly, one running theme on the show seems to be the breakdown of friendships. Girls who have known each other for all of six days have found they can completely and wholeheartedly trust someone only to have it blow up in their faces. It happened to Nibblz and Toastee, who had been tag teaming Flav in his bed less than 24 hours earlier, when the latter accused the former of "bleeping" off Flav, giving him a "bleep" job. It's unclear whether the bleeps are "suck" and "blow" or "jerk" and "hand." Toastee tells the other girls she "heard noises," so Nibblz retaliates by telling everyone Toastee admitted to being a pornstar who uses the name Natalia.

Natalia--er, Toastee flat out denies she has a past in porn. Flav calls her on her lie, showing a naked picture of her that gets completely blurred out.(Boy, if you're at work, I sure hope you didn't click any of those above links.)

(Oh, and for the record, Toastee still denies she did "porn" as nude modeling and porn are different. If there had been another girl or a guy, she says, that would have been porn.)

Even stupider, Nibblz makes her living by chatting with guys and taking off her clothes on a webcam. Flavor acknowledged the difference by saying the decision wasn't because Toastee was a pornstar, but because she wasn't honest with him about it like Nibblz. Then dismissed her by saying, "I ain't tryin' ta get wit no pornstar. Yer time is up!"

Oh, and two episodes later Nibblz was cut because Flavor has kids and he can't be with someone who takes off her clothes on the internet... like
last season's winner, Hoopz?

Outside of that, my favorite completely stupid moment built out of an episode in which Flavor invited over a bunch of his friends--meaning has-been or mid-level rappers--so they could assess the girls and tell him their opinions. The majority of the show focused on the girls shaking their asses in the faces of the rappers......which prompted this guy from Ying (sic) Yang Twins to say, "Booty booty booty booty wazahea nazahea!" about eight hundred times, apparently because those are lyrics to one of his songs...... giving the rappers' bodyguards lapdances...... and admitting they didn't really know much about who Flavor Flav was before they came on the show but that they are completely in love and want to marry him and have his babies now.

The upshot was all the girls are sluts, except Crazy, who is a big phony who couldn't name one Flav or Public Enemy song, and Like Dat, who everyone agrees is really cool and the kind of girl you'd really like to hang out with.

So in the end, who gets cut? The fat girl.Much like the "dance" contest that went to the girl willing to act like the biggest slut, the "who do my friends like best" contest was lost by the girl they liked best, making the previous 55 minutes of television a complete waste of time (versus a partial waste as it usually is).

The final straw, however, was the return of New York, the bad actress bitch from the first season who makes Omarosa look completely charming and sane. She's supposedly back and still in love with Flav. This leads her to assault the other contestants...... and run away and cry when she's told not to hit people for no reason (other than that the producers told her to).

Ultimately, Flav decides maybe he's in love with New York (despite the episode one demand of "no more gold diggers!") after all, and reinserts her into the contest, raising the question of why he didn't just start dating her after things didn't work out with Hoopz after last season.

New York isn't amusing, she's irritating. I can't watch this show and listen to her scripted interviews calling everyone else sluts and talking about how great she is. ("I do not apologize because I do not make mistakes"? She's the pope now?)

Final screencap highlight that didn't fit in anywhere else: Someone wore this outfit and thought it looked good:

None Of Us Are Dead (That We Know Of)

2006-09-14T17:30:00.000-10:00

We here at AV would like to extend a heartfelt apology to all four of our dedicated readers. We have slacked, for one reason or another, which has led to a distinct lack of content.

Underrated Badasses Of Cinema Week has been postponed until further notice.

Ahem.

That said, be prepared for next week, when AV again comes alive with opinions you could comfortably live the rest of your lives without ever hearing, but we're right so you're going to listen to us anyway.

Thx,
Management

Underrated Badass of Cinema: Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore

2006-08-25T04:22:00.000-10:00

Back when Samuel L. Jackson was a badass [when he screamed Fuck You Motherfucker! You knew he would Fuck. You. Up. Watching trailers of Snakes on a Plane with him screaming Fuck You Motherfucker! at snakes is somehow less effective] he was in a movie in which, while still a badass, he was the 2nd fiddle badass to one Samantha Caine (a.k.a Charly Baltimore) in The Long Kiss Goodnight.

One day Samantha Caine is a nice single-mother, suffering from some amnesia, and she doesn’t remember anything before her daughter’s birth. A Christmas Eve car accident with some head trauma starts letting the old Samantha (Charly) resurface. First she's beningly chopping veggies for dinner and then she is expertly throwing knives at targets across the room! Throwing knives is dangerous!

Then she changes her whole look - she goes from long, curly, brown mousy hair, totally wholesome Walton's looking to bobbed platinum blonde with tons of eye liner and a leather jacket with a bullet hole. How many women do you know that would cut off 6-12 inches of long hair by themselves, and make it look awesome? None, that's how many.

She expertly shoots badguys while they are in a car and she is on ice skates! Ice skating assassin!

When trapped by the bad guys and facing death with her daughter, she never gives up:

Caitlin: Mommy, am I gonna die?
Charlie: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?

In the end the bad guys are dead, the good guys are free, and Samantha has found a way to balance her mommy and assassin instincts.

Samantha/Charly: Underrated Badass of Cinema!

Underrated Badass of Cinema: Quint

2006-08-24T19:27:00.000-10:00

First off, can we all agree that Jaws is just a fantastic movie? Actually, screw it, I don't care if you agree or not; just know that if you don't agree then you're wrong. Because Jaws is just a fantastic movie.

I could make the case that Jaws rocks the house because of Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, the shark, the dialogue, the direction, the characterizations, blahbity-blah-blah-blah.

But no, my friends. Jaws is megasuperterrific because of one man: Robert Shaw in the role he was born to play, as Quint the Crusty Old Shark Hunter.

Quint is such a badass.

Quint's the kind of guy that scrapes his fingernails down a blackboard to get the whole room's attention, even though said room is about the size of a broom closet, and a simple "HEY!" would probably have done the trick.

Quint's the guy who knows that a shark's been eating people, and says he'll find the shark for $3000, but he'll catch it and kill it for $10,000. That's right: at heart he's a bidnessman!

Quint will stand there looking at you like you're a total moron, eating crackers with a slight smile on his face that seems to say, "You're a total moron."

He's also got his own boat, mounts shark jaws on the wall, laughs at the end of the movie Moby Dick, and apparently has the ability to not instantly dislike Roy Scheider, an ability many common mortals do not possess.

More importantly, Quint is willing to CHASE FUCKING JAWS. The sheer ballsiness of that cannot be overstated.

Oh, did I mention that Quint underwent Horrific Badass-ifying Trauma in his past? Yessir, the U.S.S. Indianapolis was part of Quint's WWII tour of duty. Watch this clip:

Now just try and tell me that Quint isn't a badass. He never wears a life jacket. That is just unsafe, people!

(Also: that 3 minutes of acting by Robert Shaw may be the finest monologue committed to film in the last 30 years, and you all can take your stylized hipper-than-thou Pulp Fiction and suck on it. I don't even want to hear it.)

Yes, Quint ends up getting et in half by the shark. Still: you think that shark blows up at the end of the movie because Roy Scheider hit a million-to-one shot on a scuba tank?

Hell, no!

The shark blows up because the shark's stomach literally cannot physically contain Quint's utter badassedness. I'm serious. It was totally in the first draft:

SHARK: (swims)

BRODY: (aims)

HOOPER: (floats)

QUINT: Ha! Even in the bowels of this shark, my disembodied torso contains enough badassedness to rip apart the beastie. Begone!

SHARK: (BOOM!)

Roll credits, bask in awe.

Quint: Underrated Badass of Cinema!

Underrated Badasses of Cinema Week!

2006-08-24T18:34:00.000-10:00

This may or may not work, but I am all about the theme weeks, even if they start on a Friday. So my particular theme next week: Underrated Badasses of Cinema!

Yes, yes, we all know about your John McClane , your Jules Winnfield , your Indiana Jones, and your Ripley.

(Incidentally, if you actually click that Indiana Jones link above because you're not familiar with the character, well... let's just say the odds are good that you're not exactly this blog's target audience.)

But this week (for my posts, anyway) is dedicated to the Underrated Badasses of Cinema --- the characters that despite not being super mega action heroes/heroines or starring in gazillions of movies, managed to create enduring badass characters worthy of emulating in office meetings, deep-sea expeditions, or public restrooms.

"But Chris," you're probably thinking, "What exactly is an Underrated Badass of Cinema? And how can you read my mind?"

Obviously, the character has to be underrated. By that I mean that one must apply Holly's Law Of Underratedness, which states:

When Movie X is discussed among friends, if Character Y is the third or fourth discussion point brought up and prefaced by the sentence "You know who was good in [Movie X]? [Character Y]." then Character Y has the property of Underratedness.

Additionally, the character must be a Badass, where we apply Holly's Law of Badassedness, which states:

If Character Y makes it plain through dialogue or action that he, she, or it is clearly better than you and could probably give you a heart attack just by glancing in your direction, Character Y has the property of Badassedness.

So, this (next) week I'll be celebrating Underrated Badasses of Cinema! Oh, and more than likely Sara, Scott, and Jake will have some actual critical reviews as well if you get tired of my self-aggrandizing.

Not that I ever do.

Book Review: Phantoms

2006-08-23T03:29:00.000-10:00

My genre of choice is Fantasy and one of my favorite authors is Terry Goodkind. I just finished reading the much anticipated and long awaited Phantoms.

The Ugly: I would hope that I would not need to have an ugly category but in this case I must and hopefully I will not need it again. As I mentioned Goodkind is a favorite author of mine and when I found out that he was producing leather-bound, numbered, and signed copies of Phantoms I had to have one. You see Goodkind has been writing a series called The Sword of Truth for over a decade, I've anxiously waited for each book to come out, and Phantoms is the second to last book in the series. I figured that leather-bound commemorative copies of the final two books in the series would be awesome to have. However, as I was reading it I became disgusted and then finally as it hit me disappointed because this book is riddled with copy editing mistakes. These errors run the gamut from misusing a characters name, misspellings, and homonym errors. This is the ugly part of the book, and frankly I think it is becoming more and more prevalent, so if you often notice copy editing errors be prepared to notice one almost every chapter while reading this book.

The Bad: As I mentioned Phantoms is the second to last book in a series that has been going on for over ten years and has spanned 10 books so far, including Phantoms. Normally this wouldn't be a big issue where Goodkind is concerned as he made great efforts in each book to recap relevant points from previous books so that the book was a stand-alone book. This changed when Goodkind decided to conclude the series and realized that in order to wrap the story up he couldn't tell it in one book he was going to need to write a trilogy. This trilogy began in book 9, Chainfire, (I would review Chainfire but it has been over a year since I read it so all I would be able to say is read it, love it, read everything else by Goodkind.) so picking up Phantoms without having read Chainfire would leave you a bit confused in places.

Also Phantoms involves a massive fanatical army, millions of people, that is all about raping and pillaging those people and places that do not share their beliefs and Goodkind doesn't shy away from graphically writing what this army does to those people. While the bad of this is that it isn't pleasant reading, and I can't imagine it was pleasant writing, it does what it is supposed to do.

The Good: Goodkind writes compelling stories and he knows how to tie chapters together so that you don't want to put the book down. I have heard many people tell how they couldn't put one of his books down and they finished it in a couple of days. Phantoms holds well to this tradition as I often found myself reading multiple chapters when intending to read just one, I am a slow reader and I would probably starve if I attempted to read it all the way through.

Phantoms harkens back to the very first Sword of Truth book, Wizards First Rule, in numerous cases and things that you thought were facts or irrelevant details are brought into new light.

Phantoms continues the storyline begun in Chainfire where one of the main characters, Kahlan, is kidnapped and a spell is cast that removed her existence from the world. The spell wiped the memory of her from almost everyone’s mind, including her own, including where she was referenced in prophecy. We find out more about the spell as the other main characters research and work to reverse it. We learn more about Richard, Kahlan's husband, and we see his despair as he is finally reunited with Kahlan - while both of them are captives. Goodkind weaves joy and happiness with pain and sacrifice. His story illustrates a couple of different views in the value of life – Richard and Kahlan fight for everyone’s right to live and prosper in their life while their enemies believe that life is worthless and all about sacrifice for a better afterlife.

Recommended for: Anyone who has read another Terry Goodkind book (but you were going to anyway), people who have read a fantasy novel and enjoyed it, people who are willing to read anything good.

Not Recommended for: anyone who is dead.

AV rating: 4/5 (5/5 without the ugly). The bad wasn't bad for me as I have read and own the whole series but the ugly is a real disappointment and something I worry about becoming the standard in the industry. I have started a few people on reading Goodkind and they love his works, so go read one and enjoy (start with the first one and enjoy them all).

TV Review: Weeds

2006-08-15T04:46:00.000-10:00

Genre: Drama
Channel: Showtime
Season: 2 currently airing; 1 on DVD

The premise: Widowed mom sells pot to support her kids and ultra suburban lifestyle.
The result: Mixed bag

Let’s start with the good:
The acting is superb all around – Mary-Louise Parker, Elizabeth Perkins, Kevin Nealon are the primary actors. They do an amazing job – especially as such recognizable personalities, they are still able to be completely believable in their roles.

Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) is a complex character. She is a devoted mom, she won’t deal to kids, and she hides her ‘job’ from her kids.

Nancy is a good friend to a bitchy alcoholic (Elizabeth Perkins) with breast cancer. Even still, she won’t let Perkins show her boobs off to her kids. She’s a dealer, but not immoral.

The mixed:
The pilot jumps into her already widowed and already in her ‘career’. We don’t see what the process was for her choosing to deal, when she started, etc.

The show lacks common sense. She’s living in an upper-class suburban area. She could sell her home, live in smaller place without the maid, and probably get a regular job that could support their new lifestyle. I’m not talking about going from rich to poor – I’m talking about well-off to middle-class. A downgrade? Sure. But, a stable way of life that doesn’t involve drugs, drive-bys, and cover businesses.

The bad:
I don’t think there is any bad per se.

Overall, I recommend a viewing, but so far after the first half of season 1 I am not hooked. If it’s on, sure, I will watch it, but I am not squawking about the TiVo eating an episode of Weeds.

AV rating: 3.5/5

TV Review: 30 Days

2006-08-10T02:35:00.000-10:00

Genre: Documentary Reality
Channel: FX
Season: 2 currently airing; 1 on DVD

Morgan Spurlock is best known as the guy who ate nothing but McDonald's for a month and made a movie documenting his resulting deteriorating health called Supersize Me. He applied the same idea that you can change you life and your views in just thirty days to the show called... well, "30 Days."

The show finds people of an extreme viewpoint and has them live with someone from the opposite side of the spectrum. It's akin to throwing someone into a cold pool, knowing the initial shock will wear off quickly and he'll be able to enjoy a nice swim he wouldn't otherwise if he'd just stood on the edge, dipping his toe in all afternoon.

Wow, how about that similie?

So the bible thumping homophobe goes to live in the Castro district for a month and the border patroling Minuteman lives with a family of eight illegal immigrants in a one bedroom apartment in East LA.

Sometimes, the show really makes a good point and you genuinely see change in the subject. For example, the Minuteman who was able to go to Mexico and see the "house" where his host family used to live--if you call three walls and a corrugated piece of metal for a roof a "house." By the end of that episode, he admitted he still opposed illegal immigration, but that he understood why most illegals come to America and said he'd no longer patrol the border but instead use his time to fight for better immigration laws.

More often than not, the show misses the mark for one of three reasons.

1. Ignorance. Since the show is trying to use average people, you don't get scholars who can really debate the two sides of an issue. Tonight's episode was about an Atheist who went to live with a very devoted Christian family. Unfortunately, the Christians couldn't understand what Atheism was--at one point a guy asked, "What did Jesus ever do that was so bad in your opinion?"--and the Atheist couldn't really explain herself nor her lack of beliefs. The show tried to make up for it by having some interesting facts (Atheists are the least trusted minority in the country, behind Muslims, recent immigrants, and gays) and some interviews with experts on both sides, but every time we went back to the dumbass host family and the braindead subject, I just had to pause the Tivo, get up, and walk around about a dozen times.

2. Stupid Plans. Somethings just can't be understood by doing them for thirty days. Last season, a mom who was concerned about her college-aged daughter's drinking decided to binge drink for a month. She went from having an occassional glass of wine to drinking four or more drinks a day. First off, this would be like me making a documentary about myself running a marathon, collapsing after two miles, and making the focus of the story that running is bad. You can't go from rarely drinking to drinking heavily every night. You have to ease into it. Further, if you're a wine drinker, you can't slam two shots of tequilla, down a beer, and finish your night with a screwdriver.

The flawed nature became apparent whenever she talked to her daughter about the experiment. The mom would go on and on about how awful she felt and how terrible this must be for her daughter, then she's tell her "I had two margaritas and two Budweisers" and her daughter would laugh hysterically at what a lightweight her mom was. It would be like me telling Duane Wade he shouldn't play basketball anymore because I played for fifteen minutes and my heart was pounding and I couldn't catch my breath.

Finally, the show really tried to drive home the negative impact of binge drinking by showing how the mom wasn't getting any housework done. There were shots of laundry piled up and a scene where she tried to vacuum, but instead just crashed on the couch and fell asleep. There were parts where her ten year old son cried as he watched his mom, who looked like she was dying, making herself a drink at one in the afternoon after just waking up. All these scenes did was prove that binge drinking is best left to people who don't have kids to watch and a household to maintain. People like college students!

3. Pointlessness. The third flaw is also probably the most common one: episodes that end with viewers asking, "What are we really supposed to get out of this?" All the episodes want to open viewers eyes to a world they may not otherwise see, but I pretty much knew Muslims are descriminated against by a lot of Americans. Maybe I'm just better informed than most people, but I was aware that there is a high level of poverty in India. Last season's episode about people living "off the grid," driving cars that run on recycled oil from fried food, building solar-powered huts, and not shampooing their hair, was mildly informative, but mainly left you thinking the hippies were weirdos and the subjects were whiners. In the end, even the subjects were hard pressed to find something "life-changing" to say about the experience. They were much more interested in being able to finally use hair dryers again.

Unfortunately, the key element that is missing episode in and episode out is the characters. In an attempt to get fairly average people, the subjects of the show and their hosts tend to have pretty bland personalities.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Shut-ins, people who don't know what's happening beyond three houses down the street.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People who don't care about anything outside their particular worldview, people who are very interested and informed about things outside their personal worldview. Think of this show like a starter packet for learning about new things.

A/V RATING: 2/5. I still watch hoping to catch lightning in a bottle again, but can almost guarantee with a remaining lineup this season with titles like "New Age," "Pro-Life/Pro-Choice," and "Jail," I'm not holding my breath.

TV Review: Life On Mars

2006-08-09T17:48:00.000-10:00

Sorry about the lateness of the last of my Summer Shows I'm TiVo-ing Week, but I see that Sara and Jake valiantly came to the rescue to keep y'all entertained! Last entry for me on this particular theme: another friggin' English show!

#5 Life on Mars
Genre: Sci-Fi-ish Crime Dramedy
Channel: BBC America
Season: 1 currently airing

Anyhoo, Life on Mars is a weird show.

The premise is that a cop gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. Everyone seems to know him, he's got a job as a detective still, and absolutely nobody believes that he's from the future.

And neither do we, because along the way we get not-very-subtle indications that all this is the creation of his mind, trying to keep him alive while he's in a coma.

As the main character Sam Tyler explains in the opening voiceover: "Have I traveled back in time, am I in a coma, or have I gone mad?" It's pretty clearly either #2 or #3, possibly both.

Which means that the premise itself doesn't really leave a whole lot of mystery, since the show constantly hits us over the head with, um, "This is all in his head" signs.

It's a good thing that the show is brilliantly acted and surprisingly hilarious.

See, Sam's boss in 1973 is in, um 1973, and certain crime drama procedures like "lineups behind two-way glass", "DNA evidence", and "not planting obviously fake jewelry on suspects to arrest them for murder" haven't quite made it to the forefront of police procedure.

So, much of the humor comes from Sam and his boss being at odds with each other over the other's methods of policework. In addition, they happen to absolutely hate each other, which in one episode makes for an entertaining extended fistfight in a coma patient's hospital room.

(See? There's that subtle "HE'S REALLY IN A COMA" symbolism I was talking about.)

John Simm and Philip Glenister portray Sam and "Guv" (I call the boss character "Guv" because everyone else does. I'm not even sure he has a name, to be perfectly frank) wonderfully, and their scenes together crackle.

Factor in a cool '70s soundtrack (but with good '70s songs) that's not too overbearing, genuinely interesting setting, and yeah: it's a pretty good show.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Fans of "retro" shows, The Prisoner, or anyone who thought to themselves, "Starsky and Hutch would have been a really good show if it had been set in England".

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People who can't stand shows that think they're cleverer than they actually are (I'm lookin' at you, Lost.)

A/V RATING: 3/5. Quirky, entertaining, good acting. One viewing will tell you whether you're going to like this or not.

TV Review: EUReKA

2006-08-09T15:11:00.000-10:00

The premise: Crazy, secret small town where science is king and abnormal is the norm.

The result: Comedic SciFi.

Eureka, a SciFi original show, takes a humorous look at a town that "Area 51 wishes they could be".

The cast:

Jack Carter: U.S. Marshal, now Eureka sheriff. His life was the law, now that he's in Eureka, his life is normalizing a town full of geniuses. Seems personable (people seem to like him easily- except for his teen-age daughter) and disarming - as people seem ready to put their trust in him.

Allison Blake: Government liaison between Eureka and the DOD (Department of Defense). Single mom of a son with Asperger's syndrome. Tough enough to play with the men, soft enough to clearly be a woman.

Jo Lupo: Josefina Lupo - the deputy sheriff. She's all GI Jane - all weapon crazy - and all anally retentive about rules. If you want a door or an ass kicked in, call Jo first. She'll shoot first and ask questions later.

Henry Deacon: Local retired rocket scientist turned auto-mechanic, regularly developing new technology.

There are tons of wacky characters - all geniuses at what they do - but mostly too weird to be accepted anywhere outside of Eureka.

There's also lots of continuing stories, both in character development and plot mysteries. We tag along with Sheriff Carter as he learns the ropes. Meanwhile, we peek into various intrigues, but never get a full grasp of them.

The show, in its freshman season, is charming. Sure, there are a lot of nuances to work out, but there always are in the first season. The show has potential, but somewhere between funny and cheesy is the sweet spot of cheesy in a funny way - and this show is just about there, but it could slip easily into cheesy.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Science Fiction fans, parody fans, gadget fans.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People who are really serious about their science.

AV Rating: Based on the newness of the show and the fine line it is walking, I give it a 3.5/5

TV Review: Project Runway

2006-08-07T06:20:00.000-10:00

The premise: aspiring designers desecrate themselves, jump through fashion hoops, and argue with snooty judges.

The result: fashion dreams and nightmares and lots of bitchy behavior.

I have to hand it to Bravo – here it is Season 3 of Project Runway, and these guys have had the whole package since day one.

And unlike the UPN counterpart in “fashion ‘reality’ TV” where ANTM (America’s Next Top Model) seems to be big on humiliation, breaking spirits, and then blaming the broken, Project Runway seems to be all about conflicting messages (one week, too conservative, next week, too crazy) – but rarely at the expense of the designer’s pride.

ANTM: Bitches scratching each others’ eyes out
PR: Bitching about behavior, design, talent, etc.

That may not seem like enough of a distinction, but trust me, ANTM is Schlitz and PR is Guinness.

Also, you’ll love the crazy creativity. One week, you must use plants to make a suitable dress for a cocktail party. The next, create an interesting, but not skanky, outfit for Sasha Cohen to wear during her next competition.

And, if you are a Grace in search of her Will, you’ll find an entire range of fashion-obsessed gay men, closeted men, and men who will just trash your closet. The women range from questionable (think Pat from SNL) to totally WASPy fabulous.

Then, there’s the staff:

Heidi Klum: goddess, funny, accented, brutally honest
Tim Gunn: THE Will you really want, honest, helpful, gives good podcast recaps.

The Judges:

Michael Kors: Established designer, makes faces like everything stinks like poop.
Nina Garcia: Fashion Director (editor? Guru? God?) at Elle magazine – gets into bitter, season-long nemesis relationships with defiant designers (if there is one, he’ll tangle with Nina)
Guest judges range from Nikki Hilton (why?) to Vera Wang.

Now I have to be honest that I know nothing about fashion. I look at the sketches and I have no idea how they will materialize. The judges will criticize an outfit and I will think, “But I like cowl necks” or they will praise and outfit and I will say, “That looks like someone threw up on that poor girl.” My point is, you don’t need to know anything about fashion to enjoy the show.

The cat fights exist – but they use their words. Sharpened, deadly, stabbing words.

It’s delicious.

Even better – the Bravo site has recaps every week by Tim, Tim’s podcast, and contests to guess which contestant will win and which will lose each week. The site is really well done.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Reality TV junkies, people who like fashion, Graces in search of a Will, people who wear clothes, people who wonder what designers do, people who like bitchy comments, people who like German accents, people who like Heidi Klum, people who like to mock whiners.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People who don’t like to mock whiners, people who don’t like to see other people put through the creative wringer (seriously, a dress out of plants), homophobes, people without a sense of humor.

AV Rating: 4/5

TV Review: Flavor of Love

2006-08-06T21:50:00.000-10:00

Flavor of Love
Genre: Copetition Reality
Channel: VH1
Season: 2
The first round of Flavor Flav's reality show aimed at finding himself a new wife ended sadly, as Hoopz and Flav ultimately parted ways. This time around, Flav demanded VH1 weed out the gold diggers more vigorously, and chose the girls himself.

For those who were spared the first time around, "Flavor of Love" pits twenty women against one another for the chance to fall in love with the man you see to the left, Public Enemy hypeman Flavor Flav.

The girls get mispelled nicknames and live in a mansion with Flav, screaming at one another and drinking heavily, stopping only to make out with Flav.

Much of last season was marred by the fact the girls were largely wannabe actresses and musicians trying to get exposure. Of the final six girls, four had been in low budget movies or were extras on TV shows. This season, the group is markedly different, packed to the gills with... not the type of people you normally see on reality shows.

I've never seen so many gapped teeth on one show in my life.

The show started with pure action as everyone rushed in to get a bed. There were twenty women and only nineteen beds, so two girls disputed whether the rights to the bed belonged to the girl who claimed it first or the girl who beat the living shit out of the girl who claimed it first. This led to a counselling session in Flavor's room, before which the girl who believed might makes right prayed, "Oh, heavenly father, forgive me my sins and watch over me on this day. Forgive me for whoopin' dis bitch ass. Forgive me for thinking about whoopin' dis bitch ass again." Ultimately, she was sent packing, despite her case that the mansion was "close enough" to Crenshaw Boulevard to justify her actions.

Later, the girls mingle while Flavor makes the rounds and talks to each of them. In one of the stupidest strategies ever concocted on reality TV, Spunkeey gets a bunch of the girls to talk about bisexuality. Later, she tells Flavor that all of them are lesbians, specifically targeting Sumpthin (I warned you about the nicknames), claiming the tape will prove they all admitted to thinking about being with other women and since Flav is a man he should kick them out. In the previous season, Flav put a lot of emphasis on being honest, so ultimately Spunkeey's goal was to get girls to deny they'd suggested they might have a homo-/bisexual experience so she could roll the tape and get them kicked out.

Among the twenty girls, Flav had a spy, who pretty much reported to him--shockingly--that there were flaws among the women who decided to go on a reality show to fall in love with a gold toothed crack addict with eight kids from three different women who speaks a language he makes up as he talks.

The show then ended on the high note of having Somethin crap herself on a mad dash to the bathroom following the elimination ceremony, leaving a pile on the stairs.

All that said, much like a car accident makes you slow down, it's hard not to watch "Flavor of Love." Further, if you're like me and after slowing down for the accident you feel disappointment that you didn't see any blood or dead bodies, "Flavor of Love" will not disappoint as it makes sure to show you the very dregs of humanity.

This show was clearly sent from heaven to our TV sets, but is it a blessing or plague?

RECOMMENDED FOR: People who find "Jerry Springer" a little too intellectual.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Everyone. I cannot in good conscience recommend this show for anyone... but with that said, you gotta watch this!

AV Rating: 2.5/5. That rating deserves an explanation, because this is not an "average, middle-of-the-road" show. I am torn between giving it a five or a zero so I averaged the two.

TV Review: Summer Time Blues #1: Yes, Dear

2006-08-06T10:13:00.000-10:00

The combination of a summer full of reruns, Tivo, a sister with Netflix and a DVD burner, and unemployment is a dangerous combination. Please consult a doctor before undertaking this or any similar regimen.

With that warning and pseudo-explanation out of the way, allow me to start plowing through the things I've been watching lately that would never have caught my attention if new episodes of "House" and "My Name is Earl" were on. Thanks to Tivo, I have caught every single episode (except one that will air tomorrow morning) of:

Yes, Dear
Formerly on CBS and currently in syndication four times a day, "Yes, Dear" was a fairly generic family comedy about a successful man and his wife who let her sister and brother-in-law move into their guest house and the wacky hijinks that ensue. The jokes were slight variations on the same jokes you've heard on every other show about families who like to crack wise. Plots included such stock ideas as "I inherited a lot of money... but didn't take into account the taxes before I spent it all," "our one neighbor is really weird," and "my father-in-law and I don't get along."

Much like "Boy Meets World," which is another terrible show that I absolutely love, it switched gears during its run, abandoning the cookie cutter plots and jokes and becoming... well, not "good," but certainly different. Almost like a parody of the typical sitcom.

The second season came around and the show's writers infused more dark humor and made an effort to (at least at times) shun the wholesomeness of the typical family sitcom without sinking to "Married with Children" territory. Among the highlights are when Jimmy accidentally converts two Mormon missionaries to the ways of drinking and gambling on sports, Greg accidentally kills Jimmy's grandmother, and Greg trying to cure his son, Sammy, of bullying other kids at the park by arranging to have another kid come over to the house and beat up Sam in his own backyard, resulting in a bunch of other fathers coming over to wager on the fight.

This also marked the addition of out-of-continuity end gags over the credits, little scenes like you might expect on a gag reel from a DVD. In one, Jimmy and Christine apologize for breaking the Warners blender and washing machine and buy them new ones. Jimmy then goes off camera and brings in the twin brother of the kid playing Sam (since like most small children, he's played by twins) and swaps them out.

There is also a running gag that shows up about 6-8 times when someone has flashbacks to someone they miss, that always features the same sequence of events while Chicago's "Hard Habit to Break" plays. In one, Greg's recalling a woman who better sandwiches than his wife. He bites into Kim's sandwich, gets a bitter look, and "remembers" playing checkers with, brushing the hair of, singing and playing guitar with, and riding Razor scooters with the old lady. In another, Greg is playing with a Chewbacca action figure and "remembers" doing all the same things with a Star Wars fan, who dressed in a Sharper Image Chewy suit, from earlier in the episode.

Later, "Yes, Dear" became a surrealistic CBS promotional tool that often crossed the line of ridiculousness. Jimmy was chosen to be a contestant on "Big Brother." Greg's dad won a role as an extra on "J.A.G." at a silent auction. Jimmy and his friend met Jim Nance in New Orleans and wound up watching the Final Four from the CBS broadcast booth. Travis Tritt and Trace Adkins guest starred as convicts on work release just before the Country Music Awards. Greg has a dream that he's Steve from "Blue's Clues" and Kim, in turn, dreams she's in bed with Steve and makes out with him. Jimmy tries to get out of a ticket by helping a cop win a Showcase Showdown on "Price is Right." Rupert, from "Survivor," starred as a homeless guy in a soup kitchen.

I think the reason I enjoy the show as much as I do is that my expectations for it were so low. I intially watched it only because it was on at a time in the morning when nothing else was on, but became hooked because it makes regular use of two of my favorite comedy forms: blatantly stupid characters and people who get caught in lies and never admit they are lying regardless of the evidence against them.

Unfortunately, the show has two flaw that arise in nearly every episode. First, the writers often have one hilarious joke and spend a lot of time building up to it. While the one joke is laugh out loud funny, the fifteen minutes leading up to it are often dull and only mildly humorous. To express it mathematically, I would offer that--were you to rate the jokes on any given sitcom on a numerical scale--"Yes, Dear" maintains a similar "funny mean" to other shows, but it's median is much lower and standard deviation much higher because the one joke is rated so much higher than any other it pulls up the entire show's average.

If you want to see a graph, just ask. I love making graphs.

Second, the show often ends without any resolution. It's as though they reached twenty-one minutes and declared, "That's a wrap" wherever they were. One show ends with Greg and Jimmy hiding in the backseat of a neighbor's car and overhearing her tell someone on the phone, "Yeah, I just filled up so I won't have to stop again until I get there. See you in Vegas."

RECOMMENDED FOR: Parents of kids under the age of eight; absurdists; people who hate "Full House," "Family Matters," and other goody-goody family sitcoms.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Childless people.

AV Rating: 3/5. Avoid the first season and give it a few episodes to grow on you. There is a subtlty to the chemistry between the actors that takes a while before you really appreciate some of the scenes, especially between Jimmy (Mike O'Malley) and Greg (Anthony Clark).

TV Review: The Closer

2006-08-02T21:18:00.000-10:00

Once again, it's Summer Shows I'm TiVo-ing week! Today: She's a Southern-fried cop living in the wild, savage lands of drama on TNT!

#4 The Closer
Genre: Crime Drama
Channel: TNT
Season: 1 on DVD, 2 currently airing

Let me preface by saying that if you like ensemble detective stories with compelling lead characters and empowering female heroes --- and really, who doesn't? --- then you can do no better than Helen Mirren's excellent Prime Suspect series of telefilms, rentable in all their forms. The premise is that Helen Mirren's character is brought in to take over a close-knit squad of detectives to solve high-profile cases, all the while trying to balance pressure from the top vs. an "old boys club" mentality from her employees vs. a personal life. It's wonderful.

No doubt someone at TNT has seen Prime Suspect, because the premise of The Closer is exactly the same. Only picture a Southern-fried Helen Mirren* in the form of Kyra Sedgwick (not an altogether unattractive proposition in itself), a squad that's a rainbow coalition of multi-culti pandering, and it's set in L.A.

And it works really well.

The "mysteries" --- I use that term loosely because there aren't any real mindbenders (remember, this is a TNT original) --- are reasonably interesting, and each episode is digestible in and of itself, which means you can pretty much not have to worry about watching them out of order. I like that.

The real meat of the show is the interaction between Sedgwick and her squad of C-List character actors, clearly making the most of being on a hit show. The don't all like one another, which is funny (and there's a surprising amount of humor in the show), but they've learned to respect Sedgwick's quirky Brenda Lee Johnson despite their misgivings about her methods.

In fact, now that I think about it, there hasn't been a show this riddled with cliches that I've liked this much in a long time.

Take a look at the squad. You've got:

1) The Black guy
2) The Mexican guy
3) The Chinese guy
4) The female
5) The senior citizen**
6) The crusty veteran

Did we miss anyone? Anyone? I'll bet anyone 20 bucks right now that next season sees the introduction next season of the Jewish guy, the Rookie, or the Gay guy. Seriously.

Which would actually be a shame --- not because I have anything against Jews, rookies, or gays, of course, but because over the course of 1 1/2 seasons the current cast has already become like a comfortable family that bickers nonstop but still pulls together when there's a job to do. And that's a real testament to good writing and good characterization and good acting.

And when you've got those 3 things, you're inclined to forgive the cliches and the stuff that might otherwise annoy you.

Of course, this wouldn't be a TNT Original Series if it didn't have a gimmick, and the gimmick here is that they call Brenda Lee "the closer" because she's such a darn good interrogator. They make a point to end each episode with a confession that she manages to get out of the suspect, even when she doesn't have all the evidence to back it up. It's very Columbo-esque, for what that's worth.

So, The Closer has more than enough familiar elements to ease new viewers in, but the quality of the cast and writing is also more than enough to set this one apart. You'll know after one episode whether this one's right for you.

(Side Note: Seriously, if you haven't seen it though, go out right damn now and rent Prime Suspect 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. I mean it.)

RECOMMENDED FOR: Fans of Law & Order (who are probably watching the 18 episodes a day on TNT already anyway), Columbo, Barney Miller... you get the picture.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People who watch mystery shows for the actual mysteries, people who can't stand strong, chirpy Southern accents (my Mom has one, so I'm inured to the effects), people who nod off to sleep at the thought of yet ANOTHER hour-long crime drama.

AV Rating: 4/5. It's perfect summertime comfort food, to keep us cool while we wait for new episodes of CSI, L&O: Special Victims Unit, or, um, CSI.

* -- What's the over/under on this post being Google-ranked first for the phrase "Southern-fried Helen Mirren"?

** -- The senior citizen is played by G.W. Bailey, who you'll recognize as the Lt. Harris, the wacky antagonist from the Police Academy movies. I will now light myself on fire for having remembered that.

TV Review: Hustle

2006-08-02T09:43:00.000-10:00

Summer Shows I'm TiVo-ing Week continues!

#3 Hustle
Genre: Crime-ish Drama
Channel: AMC
Season: None on DVD yet, 3 currently airing

I'm a big fan of con artists, at least in the "televised entertainment" sense of the word "fan". Part of me relishes clockwork plots with intricate machinery that depends on flawed individuals pulling off exacting tasks to swindle deserving people/corporations/governments out of their money.

Additionally, I also like shows set in Britain, for reasons I still can't explain other than "Man, everything sounds 10 times cooler with that accent."

So, as you might have guessed, I really dig Hustle.

Brought to us overseas from the same team that gave us MI-5 (simply one of the best spy thrillers since... well, ever), Hustle traces the cons pulled by a likeable gang of no-goodniks with access to high tech and low morals.

The idea is that each episode revolves around an individual con being run against the aforementioned scumbags/evil companies/baddies, so it's easy to root for these folks as they weave their intricate plans in the name of making a whole hell of a lot of money.

Three reasons I enjoy this show:

1) The cast is a typically demographic-spanning coalition of twenty-somethings, thirty-somethings, and forty-something... plus Robert Freakin' Vaughn as the Old Man/quasi-ringleader. And Robert Vaughn acts the hell out of his part. He's clearly having a good time, and it's infectious. I mean, in a good way. Ahem.

2) Whenever the gang pulls off a particularly tricky part of the con, they break the fourth wall and wink at the viewer. I love this cheesy effect, and no, I can't explain why.

3) You never get the whole story until the end of the episode. There's always something unexplained in the middle of the story, and you (and several of the cast) are left wondering "Why/How did that happen?" and then at the end somebody explains, and you go "A-Ha! I should have seen it coming!"

This currently airs on AMC, which mystifies me, but kudos for AMC not chopping it into 42 minutes to fit American boradcast times and letting it run an hour and a quarter so we see the whole show. Other channels that air overseas productions (I'm lookin' at you, A&E) butcher the show to the point of leaving out crucial plot elements, but that's not the case here.

So, Hustle: one part Mission:Impossible, one part Ocean's Eleven, nineteen parts delicious Robin Hood-type glee.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Heist movie fans, fans of plots with lots of moving parts, ensemble acting pieces, fans of Robert Freakin' Vaughn.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Those who have trouble with heavy English accents, people with short attention spans, or those who can't conceive of ANY crime being justified or fun. (And no, I don't want to know those people.)

AV Rating: 4/5. Good fun. Check it out.

TV Review: Dirty Jobs

2006-08-01T16:53:00.000-10:00

Next up on Summer Shows I'm TiVo-ing week: filth!

#2 Dirty Jobs
Channel: Discovery
Genre: Reality/Educational
Season: 1 on DVD, 2 currently airing

What's this, you ask? An educational TV show? That's good? And not about Hitler's Bathroom, or The Secretaries of World War 2, or Secret Accountants Of Nazi Germany, or whatever lame-ass stock-footage reel the ~~World War 2 Channel~~ History Channel decides to show repeatedly?

Damn skippy.

The premise of Dirty Jobs is that the host (Mike Rowe, ex-opera singer, voiceover maven and real estate advisor) travels around the country meeting real people who have "dirty" jobs and filling in for them for the day.

And there are some dirty, dirty jobs out there.

Some segments are slam-dunks: sewage pipe inspector, food recycler, charcoal factory worker, demolition worker.

(Side Note: the "roadkill cleaner" job is exactly as disgusting as you'd think it would be. I'm just sayin'.)

Others aren't so much "dirty" as just "really-friggin'-miserable-holy-hell-I'll-never-complain-about-my-own-job-again" kind of things.

Like the poor sonsabitches repairing railroad ties in 110 degree heat. Or the guys who clean the litter and food and OH MY GOD IS THAT A HUMAN FINGER?!? out from city storm drains. Or steel mill workers, who spend day after day just sweeping iron coke off a conveyor belt standing next to lethal machinery and open 200-degree flames. Or the guy that gets to spend all day every day cleaning the inside of concrete mixers. You get the picture. It's these kind of jobs ---and people --- that are frequently more fascinating.

Disassembling a Rose Bowl Parade float was compelling, mainly because I had no idea that the floats are comprised almost entirely of vegetation, which means that a month after the parade these people have to get knee-deep in rotting fruit/vegetables/whatever's left. Yes. Ew.

Mike Rowe really makes the show go with his everyman persona and wisecracks; he's genuinely interested in what these people do for a living and why, and makes every effort to actually learn the job they're doing. The amazing thing is that he is always incredibly respectful of these folks, and while humor is a big part of the show (most jokes revolve around how incompetently Rowe handles the new job), you never feel like he's laughing at them, we're laughing with them.

Chimney sweeps, sludge cleaners, bat scientists, avian vomitologists (yup), hot tar roofers, the list goes on and on.

Plus, the theme song is the kickass chorus of Faith No More's "We Care A Lot".

Go here and watch a preview that sums up the show nicely. (And you get to hear that kickass chorus.)

RECOMMENDED FOR: Curious people, those who have any sort of regular job whatsoever, fans of watching "them high-falutin' TV folk" get taken down a peg when asked to do real work.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People easily nauseated by feces, grease, sewage, black lung, animal parts, or the human condition that these folks work in.

AV Rating: 3/5. This might seem low, but with a show like this you're bound to have some jobs (and therefore segments) that just aren't all that interesting. No need to catch up on anything, though, since there's no narrative involved. Watch a couple at random and you'll know if this one's right for you.

Music Review: KT Tunstall

2006-08-01T15:00:00.000-10:00

KT Tunstall: Eye To The Telescope is my new favorite album. It's a great mix of singing styles, she plays her own instruments, and seriously, the girl can wail.

You're thinking, "Who is this KT Tunstall that you speak of?"

You know her from Black Horse and the Cherry Tree because it gets an obscene amount of radio play.

What you don't know is how good the rest of the album is.

The rest of the album mixes pop, rock, folksy blues and well, who knows - but it works. The album has a nice mix so you're never too high or too low for too long. It's great for a drive home to unwind - but not so much for the morning, as it is more likely to calm and soothe you than to get you focused and energized.

There are songs you'll rock out to, songs you'll sing along to, and songs that you'll listen to for the story as much as the music.

AV rating: 4/5 stars.

TV Review: Psych

2006-08-01T03:30:00.000-10:00

The show I'm TiVoing this summer is Psych on USA.

The premise: cop-wanna-be pretends to be psychic to solve crimes on a consulting basis. Hilarity will ensure.

The truth: hilarity does ensue.

Great performances all around by James Roday, Dule Hill, Corbin Bernsen (yes, Corbin 'not much since LA Law' Bernsen), and some new and lesser known folks.

It's mystery meets comedy meets buddy show. I think it's more comedy than mystery, but if you have a sense of humor about your mysteries and enjoy odd characters, then this is great viewing. The dialog is well-written, and the show is clever.

If you are looking for real-crime, real detectives, or real psychics, you are in the wrong place.

AV rating: 4/5 stars.

TV Review: Summer Shows I'm TiVo-ing Week!

2006-07-31T22:00:00.000-10:00

It's me, Chris, AV blog team member, with a few words about TV.

OK, I realize that:

1) not all of you have TiVo, and
2) few of you may have cable with 5 billion channels. No worries.

To those in category 1: For God's sake, get it. It will change the way you watch TV, and I mean that in a completely shallow and entertainment-junkie-ish way. Words cannot describe the feeling of being able to fast-forward through commercials, rewind to a great moment, pause whilst you use the bathroom or fix a snack, or simply relax in the knowledge that there's always something recorded that you want to watch, no matter what time of day.

Seriously. It's that good.

To those in category 2: Basic cable with a couple premium channels and one obscure one will still fit the bill. Listen, you're already going to get TiVo, right? RIGHT? Then go ahead and spring for the deluxe channel package, since your provider of choice will probably give you a price break at the same time.

(I recommend DirecTv personally. The TiVo box is $100, payable in installments, and the service itself is something like 5 bucks a month.)

Anyhoo: given the doldrums of summer network TV, which uniformly sucks in the summer, here are 5 shows worth watching, renting previous seasons on DVD, and are generally "all that and a bag of chips", as the kids use to say three years ago. We start with #1 today, and I'll do one per day all week.

1. Deadwood
Channel: HBO
Genre: Western
Season: 1 and 2 on DVD, 3 currently airing

This show is really "the dog's bollocks", which is a phrase I understand to mean "outstanding" but sounds vaguely like genitalia reference nonetheless.

Based loosely on real-life events in the town of Deadwood, South Dakota in the late 1800s, it's an unflinching look at the growing pains and characters that populate a rich-in-gold mining camp/town/metropolis.

Forget the cliche Westerns: everyone here is flawed with a capital "FLAW", and everything is painted in shades of gray. Outstanding performances from Ian McShane as town crime boss/master manipulator Al Swearingen, Timothy Olyphant as ostensible good guy sheriff Seth Bullock, and Robin Weigert as Calamity Jane.

As if that weren't enough, we get Gerald McRaney (Major Dad, himself), as George Hearst, land baron, this season, as the evillest, most driven manipulatin' mutha you've ever had the misfortune to cross, in an absolutely priceless piece of casting-against-type.

And surprisingly, it's the best political drama I've seen since the first two seasons of West Wing. Because it's not about shootouts, Injuns, or bank robbers: it's about commerce, annexation, race relations, and underhanded backstabbery.

With, of course, the occasional gunfight, beating, F!#$ Yeah! moment, and great, great acting throughout.

One warning: David Milch of NYPD Blue fame writes/produces/created the show, and whereas on network TV he worked under censors, on pay cable he's ... um ... unfettered. Which means a lot of filthy language.

I mean, a LOT.

As in, "I used to work in a Mexican kitchen that acted as a safehouse for the latest car thief to get parole in Tucson", and STILL was taken aback by the frequency and vulgarity of the language in Deadwood.

Still: it may be the finest show on TV right now, and it's miles better than the Sopranos ever was (sorry, Sopranos fans -- and yes, I'll post about why that show's overrated later).

RECOMMENDED FOR: Western fans, political science drama junkies, fans of incredible acting and intricate gamesmanship, people like me who remember Lovejoy fondly.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Those with a distaste for vulgarity, well-drawn characters, or plots that take multiple episodes (or years) to resolve.

A(rtistic) V(eritas) Rating: 5/5. Rent the first two seasons (don't worry, they're short) before tuning in now, or you won't receive the delicious payoff that we get currently. Also, it's one of the few shows that gets exponentially better with each episode. Seriously. Critically acclaimed for a reason.

Book Review: Mindhunter: Inside the FBI's Elite Serial Crime Unit

2006-07-31T15:33:00.000-10:00

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI's Elite Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas and Mark Olshaker is a chronicle of the development of the behavioral sciences department at the FBI. Part autobiography, part case study, the book covers some well known serial killers and how the FBI created the profiles.

I'll divide my assessment into two parts: 1. story, and 2. writing. First, the story:

From my perspective, the case studies were the most fascinating. And I certainly would have enjoyed more about how they determine profiles and less about Douglas' time in the Air Force or his family life. It's nothing personal, Mr. Douglas, I'm just here for the crime scenes.

But the profiling is fascinating (if you are into that) and the insight into some famous crimes like the Manson murders or even Douglas' take on Jack the Ripper made for a good read.

My extreme disappointment came on page 373, when I realized that while the book contained another 20 pages, I was actually in the wrap up. It seems there is an index, followed by a chapter of another book. I wanted more cases in this book, so that seriously sucked.

As to the writing, while there were no glaring errors (well done copy editors) this book really could have used an avid reader - a substantive editor - to work on the flow. Someone to read it from start to finish - because this book is disorganized. Chapters flow from one topic to another, cases seem out of order, cases are referenced in multiple chapters in a passing way that is distracting.

To sum up:

More cases
Less biography
Substantive editing

Rating: 3/5 stars - but still a worthy read for those into criminal profiling.

Movie Review: Yawn of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Snore

2006-07-29T18:43:00.000-10:00

Apparently people are comparing this movie to Empire Strikes Back, in the sense that the movie is really just there to get you from story 1 to story 3. Let's see what other comparisons we can draw:

Captain's return to life is equivalent to Vader's revelation to Luke.
Elizabeth's betrayal is equivalent to Lando's betrayal of Han Solo.
Jack's end battle with the Kracken is equivalent to Han being encased in carbonite.
They are both 'dark' where there is no good outcome.

Here's where they differ:

Important shit actually happens in Empire.
Lando is more pissed than remorseful.
Empire doesn't spend the entire movie trying to simultaneously gross us out and show us how cool the gross out special effects makeup is.
There's chemistry between Han and Leia.
Empire is shorter.
Empire didn't cause audible yawning in the theater.

Here's the question I have... if this analogy holds, will there be Ewoks in the next installment? If so, I'm out.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Music Review: Tom Petty

2006-07-27T22:34:00.000-10:00

Right then, so cards on the table? I am a HUGE Tom Petty fan. Like, own-the-CDs-but-seek-out-the-vinyl fan.

So, I'm a little biased in this review, because I tend to appreciate the entire catalog of the man's work.

That said.

His last album, 2002's The Last DJ, was Tom and the Heartbreakers railing against corporate music mediocrity, the commercialization of music, iPods, satellite radio, and big huge record companies. It was released in October 2002 by Sony, a big huge record company.

And, quite frankly, it sucked.

It was the first piece of recorded Petty that I ever finished listening to and said, literally, "That sucked."

Now we get, on the eve of the 30th anniversary of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and amidst declarations by Tom that he's done touring after this year, Highway Companion.

And it is absolutely mesmerizing.

No, really.

I've listened to it maybe 20 times now, front to back (a rarity in the iPod age --- a whole album? Do people do that anymore?) and it's a paean to that most human of experiences, the road trip.

It's an album that is essentially about motion, where the characters are all running from or escaping to somewhere, and it's wonderfully varied, with Petty displaying his knack for immediate characterization and pop hooks.

From the ZZ-Top-esque opening track "Saving Grace", about a woman running from her life's failures, to the ode to Southern redemption "Down South" ("Gonna impress all the women/gonna pretend I'm Samuel Clemens/wear seersuckers and white linens"), there's an edgy feel to the album that permeates every track. Even the ostensibly sweet love song "Ankle Deep" mentions that the father and daughter are still ONLY "ankle deep/in love", which is about 994 times more depressing on repeated listens.

So, we get mostly mid-tempo songs, a few out-and-out rockers, the absolutely gorgeous "Square One" (a sparse acoustic ballad about how sometimes in relationships you have to go through hell to reclaim the spark), and a few Petty oddities like "Jack" (an ominous acoustic swamp-rat missive).

But what's clear throughout is that Tom Petty still has songs to sing, stories to tell, and he knows that sometimes when you've been driving for hours those are the only things that'll keep you company.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone who liked Full Moon Fever, Wildflowers, or Echo. Also, anyone who likes Neil Young, John Hiatt or Lyle Lovett.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People who prefer wall-to-wall asskicking rockers, anyone who thinks every Petty album since Damn the Torpedoes was a disappointment, people who dislike "story-character" songs.

Book Review: Best American Crime Writing 2003

2006-07-24T14:09:00.000-10:00

The Best American Crime Writing 2003

This anthology lives up to its name. The stories, true news stories, range from the NBA stars shooting limo drivers to the trials of war crimes in Rwanda.

Some of these have their roots decades in the past - but it makes them all the more fascinating.

The writing is well done, and at the end of almost every piece is the author's take on the story at the time this anthology was being put together.

If you watch the news, read news magazines or read the newspaper, there are stories in here you will find fascinating.

To me the best was about a WWII German operation to infiltrate the US - how a technicality allowed the accused be tried via a military tribunal - and how Bush's administration was trying to use that same technicality post 9/11 - rather than using the normal court system.

The hardest story to read was the last - about a woman in the Hutu government in Rwanda who ordered the brutal rapes and executions of thousands of women, because they were Tutsi. Which she watched. Which she encouraged her son to participate in. The added horror is that the men she used for this were all AIDS patients - the mandate was to use these men, so that if any of the women survived, they would eventually die of AIDS, and any children they bore would die also. She wanted to ensure that the genocide, if not immediate, was permanent. Because of this, her orders were considered the highest war crimes.

This collection ranges from the amusing, to the fascinating, to the devastating. I think the editors did an amazing job of putting this collection together, and of building up to such a dramatic and significant story for the last chapter.

Rating 4.5/5 stars

Movie Review: Wasabi

2006-07-23T10:36:00.000-10:00

Tagline: Quite Possibly The Greatest French-Language, English-Subtitled, Japanese Action-Comedy Of All Time

I must wholeheartedly disagree with the tagline for this movie. While I normally love Jean Reno's every endeavor, this is one that sucks beyond comprehension.

Point 1: The movie is dubbed, poorly
Point 2: The movie has weird subtitles
Point 3: The subtitles don't match the dubbing (the dialog is different)
Point 4: Cliche plot

We only made it through 12 minutes of this movie.

Rating: 0/5 stars

Book Review: Fraud

2006-07-23T04:18:00.000-10:00

Fraud: Essays by David Rakoff has the trifecta of funny: he is Jewish, Gay, and Canadian. If that isn't enough for you here's a passage from the essay on his childhood kibbutz adventure, on "The Long Night of the Chickens":

Chicken shit is horrible stuff. Unlike cow manure, which according to David Foster Wallace, smells "warm and herbal and blameless," chicken shit is an olfactory insult: a snarling, saw-toothed, ammoniac, cheesy smell. Needlessly, gratuitously disgusting; a stench of such assaultive tenacity that it burns your eyes...Rather than making you never want to eat a chicken again, it simply makes you angry. It makes you hold a grudge. You'll eat chicken again, by God, and you'll chew really, really hard.

...He faces us holding the requisite eight, four in each hand, living masses of writing feathers, looking like some German expressionist cheerleader, his pom-poms alive, convulsing, filthy. Who will see their dreams fall away into the abyss and eventually succumb to the crushing sadness and meaninglessness of it all? We will! And what does that spell? Madness! Louder! I can't hear you!
--Essay: Arise Ye Wretched of the Earth, pages 20 - 21.

As a professional journalist, his essays range from personal experiences (such as living on a kibbutz) to spending time at Loch Ness and attending survival camp. His wit is acerbic. His vocabulary is stellar. The essays are highly amusing and often poignant, and the book is an enjoyable read.

I highly recommend it and give it 4/5 stars.