Friday, September 15, 2006

Leaving a Bad Flavor

A few weeks ago, I professed my love for VH1's "Flavor of Love." It's junk food TV, meaning that it has no redeeming value and is more than likely bad for me, yet I find myself enjoying it on a regular basis.

At least that was the case. I think I've finally found the strength to turn this shit off.

No longer do I debate whether this is the greatest or the worst show in history. It's pretty clear the latter is the case. Allow me to share the highlights of the season thus far (with screencaps provided by Dlisted):

I already discussed the first episode, where Flav brought a whole new group of strippers and wannabe video dancers into a mansion we're supposed to believe is his, in my inital post. Granted, this batch of girls wasn't as classy as the last, but that's because Flav picked them out himself to weed out the gold diggers.Kla-SSEEEEE!

So I covered all that, but now that I have pictures, I'll share so you can see the crazy ghetto bitch who is "not from Compton," but rather lives on Crenshaw, who beat the living piss out of another girl because there weren't enough beds to go around. She then prayed to God for the strength not to "beat dis bitch ass."The moment everyone talked about, though, was when Somethin took a crap on the carpet because--she claims--producers wouldn't let her go to the bathroom before the elimination ceremony and she couldn't hold it.In the weeks that followed, the girls had to clean up Warren G.'s house after a "big party." The party undoubtedly involved a bunch of VH1 production assistants dumping garbage all over a mansion, making a huge mess, and doubting that the average "Flavor of Love" viewer will have the intelligence to ask, "Who the hell throws an entire serving bowl of spaghetti and meat sauce against a bathroom mirror?"Incidentally, this challenge was won by Nibblz based on her willingness to clean a toilet overflowing with diarrhea.

There was also a dance off in which some of the girls were taught to "krump." For the record, one of the people in this picture used to be a spokesperson for former California governor Gray Davis. Care to hazard a guess?I'll give you a clue, he's not wearing a tank top and he's not wearing a clock around his neck. And Gray Davis wonders why the electorate recalled him.

Instead of judging them based on their ability to learn new things, their coordination, or their teamwork, Flavor just gives the prize to the team with the girl who dry humps him.Sadly, one running theme on the show seems to be the breakdown of friendships. Girls who have known each other for all of six days have found they can completely and wholeheartedly trust someone only to have it blow up in their faces. It happened to Nibblz and Toastee, who had been tag teaming Flav in his bed less than 24 hours earlier, when the latter accused the former of "bleeping" off Flav, giving him a "bleep" job. It's unclear whether the bleeps are "suck" and "blow" or "jerk" and "hand." Toastee tells the other girls she "heard noises," so Nibblz retaliates by telling everyone Toastee admitted to being a pornstar who uses the name Natalia.

Natalia--er, Toastee flat out denies she has a past in porn. Flav calls her on her lie, showing a naked picture of her that gets completely blurred out.(Boy, if you're at work, I sure hope you didn't click any of those above links.)

(Oh, and for the record, Toastee still denies she did "porn" as nude modeling and porn are different. If there had been another girl or a guy, she says, that would have been porn.)

Even stupider, Nibblz makes her living by chatting with guys and taking off her clothes on a webcam. Flavor acknowledged the difference by saying the decision wasn't because Toastee was a pornstar, but because she wasn't honest with him about it like Nibblz. Then dismissed her by saying, "I ain't tryin' ta get wit no pornstar. Yer time is up!"

Oh, and two episodes later Nibblz was cut because Flavor has kids and he can't be with someone who takes off her clothes on the internet... like
last season's winner, Hoopz?

Outside of that, my favorite completely stupid moment built out of an episode in which Flavor invited over a bunch of his friends--meaning has-been or mid-level rappers--so they could assess the girls and tell him their opinions. The majority of the show focused on the girls shaking their asses in the faces of the rappers......which prompted this guy from Ying (sic) Yang Twins to say, "Booty booty booty booty wazahea nazahea!" about eight hundred times, apparently because those are lyrics to one of his songs...... giving the rappers' bodyguards lapdances...... and admitting they didn't really know much about who Flavor Flav was before they came on the show but that they are completely in love and want to marry him and have his babies now.

The upshot was all the girls are sluts, except Crazy, who is a big phony who couldn't name one Flav or Public Enemy song, and Like Dat, who everyone agrees is really cool and the kind of girl you'd really like to hang out with.

So in the end, who gets cut? The fat girl.Much like the "dance" contest that went to the girl willing to act like the biggest slut, the "who do my friends like best" contest was lost by the girl they liked best, making the previous 55 minutes of television a complete waste of time (versus a partial waste as it usually is).

The final straw, however, was the return of New York, the bad actress bitch from the first season who makes Omarosa look completely charming and sane. She's supposedly back and still in love with Flav. This leads her to assault the other contestants...... and run away and cry when she's told not to hit people for no reason (other than that the producers told her to).

Ultimately, Flav decides maybe he's in love with New York (despite the episode one demand of "no more gold diggers!") after all, and reinserts her into the contest, raising the question of why he didn't just start dating her after things didn't work out with Hoopz after last season.

New York isn't amusing, she's irritating. I can't watch this show and listen to her scripted interviews calling everyone else sluts and talking about how great she is. ("I do not apologize because I do not make mistakes"? She's the pope now?)

Final screencap highlight that didn't fit in anywhere else: Someone wore this outfit and thought it looked good:


Blogger Sara J said...

Ok, you've gotta help me with this... looking at her pictures I'm's not porn because: a) it's not interesting, b) it's not hot, or c) I'm not fully convinced she's 100% a she.


6:22 PM  
Blogger Jake said...

At least on point C I can say that while she may be a bit masculine, I guess I came to overlook it since compared to New York and Deelishus, she's Princess Friggin' Di.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Sara J said...

I figured out why point C was even an option - other than the B-cup -she's built like a 13-yr old boy - no hips, and, well this will sound catty (cattier?) she's not pretty, which makes her less believable.

4:28 AM  
Anonymous rawrrr said...


5:15 PM  

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